I'm posting Eva Cassidy's rendition of Over the Rainbow, because its by far the best rendition of your most favorite song I have ever heard. When I hear it, it always makes me think of our fun sing-alongs during our roadtrips to Canada, Florida, & Pennsylvania. Here"s another favorite - Wonderful World - that is also sung beautifully by her. Enjoy!

The song below is a relatively new one, which I could have easily written about our friendship after you passed on. Thank you for having been in my life. You were truly a gift that I will always treasure and love.

Comments are closed due to the personal nature of this post.

Posted by: Michele at 12:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I want to thank you all for the kind and supportive messages you left and emailed. Your words are a healing balm for my soul.

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Posted by: Michele at 09:50 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Five years ago I participated in my first 10k race on Labor Day. It was also my first major practice with Tom, the running buddy assigned to me by The Achilles Track Team, whom I was to spot for. Tom was blind, and like me loved running, even though we weren't very fast. He had trained me on how to run tethered to him and also taught me how to listen to his breathing as a way to know how he was doing in a run without asking and wasting precious energy and time. Tom explained it was the best way to identify the first signs of trouble. That Labor Day, all my friends were there to cheer me on. It had been a high point for all of us, because we were all finally ready to compete in the NYC Marathon that fall.

I used that listening technique many times when running with my best friends. It really gave me insight into how they were feeling during a run. For years we had worked out together, but our running together gave us a closeness and a feel for each other that was uncanny. For the first time few words needed to be exchanged between us.

The morning after Labor Day we were all supposed to meet early at the gym to do a quick 5 mile run along the Batter Park City Waterfront that goes past the World Trade Center, but my plans changed.

When Mike called me later that morning he was on the 72nd floor of the North Tower. I had been on the phone with him for about 15 min. let him know what was going on with the South Tower when Larry called and asked me to conference him in on the call. We'd done that a thousand times on Fridays or Saturday afternoons when no one could agree on what we were doing that evening. This time it was for a different reason.

The FDNY radios were not functioning properly and it was total chaos inside the towers, so this time I was conferencing them in so they could communicate with each other. I listened silently and stood by as I'd done countless times during impromptu rescues. That day my role was once again as witness and bystander, but I was to be a messenger also. I interrupted only once to let them know the Pentagon had been hit and we all grew silent as their suspicions were now confirmed - we were under attack. Knowing they had walked into a "tinder box" they gave me messages and information for their families in the event they didn't make it out alive.

While Mike and Larry spoke, I heard their labored breathing from the strain of heavy equipment and acrid smoke getting through their masks. They continued going up the narrow smoke filled staircases in full gear, in spite of the rising temperatures and enveloping darkness. Hearing the loud creaks from the straining weight of the floors above, I began to panic. I broke in, calling out Mike's name. We'd known each other for so long that he knew what I was about to say, to ask of him.

"Don't say it, Michele. I know what you're going to ask, and you know we can't turn back now. So I clutched my cell phone, closed my eyes, and hung my head in prayer. A few times I bit down hard on my lips knowing that anything I said or any sound I made would only distract them and force them to talk and waste precious oxygen.

So instead, I listened... silently and intently, as Larry & MIke communicated with each other in quick short words. I listened as they gave commands to civilians on what to do. I listened as they reassured people that were frightened and choking on acrid smoke, that they would be fine as long they continued going down. I listened as they continued to climb through the thick dense darkness that enveloped them, and grew hotter and more difficult with each step they took. And in my silence, with my closed eyes, I had been with them as I had many times before, and was privy once again to the sounds of their breaths.

As the creaking sounds grew louder, everyone came to a standstill and their voices became quieter. I held my breath, as I listened to Mike and Larry's labored breathing. Everyone had stopped to listen to the sounds above them. Mike and Larry remained quiet even as the rumble of thunder from the upper floors began giving way. There was no panic, no screams, no frantic yells for help; there was only Mike's voice whispering a "Dear God" before the sounds of loud crashing ended in an abysmal silence that reverberates in my soul to this day.

It's taken a long time for me to break that silence. It's still not easy to write about it. And I still can't about it. But for some time now, this blog has helped me utter the first innermost sounds since that day. I remain hopeful that someday I'll be able to find my full voice again. Till that happens, these small whispers of pain will have to be the small breaths that open a closed soul to let the airy light in.

Posted by: Michele at 12:29 PM | Comments (34) | Add Comment
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A week from today I'll be in Orlando, Fl! I don't know who's more excited, me or my son. I've never been to Disney World, heck I've never been to a theme park before, but after watching the disney video, I CAN"T WAIT!

I have been to Orlando 3 times, but all 3 I was sequestered to the hotel unable to set foot in Disneyworld. Two of those times were for business. One was to watch my sister graduate from Navy Basic Training. I bought passes for us for her week of R&R as a graduation present but I wound up sick as a dog from bronchitis and asthma. She went with her buddies instead, while I stayed in my hotel recuperating. Come to think of it, I've never even gotten a souvenir from there - t-shirt stand here I come!

Anyway, this is a surprise trip. My brother in law (who I trust implicitly and has been incredibly helpful and supportive even after my separation) is treating my son and I to this trip. He only told me when we're arriving and returning and nothing more. He won't tell me or his sister (who's also joining us) where we're staying, what the plans are, what we're doing... nothing, absolutely nothing. And for a planner like me it's murder. He has reassured all of us that everything is taken care of.

I've traveled before with them and I'm infamous for the over abundant amount of travel info that I bring with me –just in case weather or something else forces us to change plans. This time I've been told all has been planned so I'm not to worry or even to research this trip. This both adds to the excitement and my nervousness.

I mean, a ton of persistent questions keep coming to mind: is there a plan B & C for inclement weather; does he have a list of emergency aid/critical care places; has he scheduled a place where we can celebrate my son's birthday (the whole reason for this trip) and when will I be able to have some ME time so I can plan on getting together with my old co-worker and maybe a blogger or two. There's lots more questions but I won't bore you with how my mind works.

Instead, I sit here, trying to relax, living in the gratitude and appreciation of the blessing for such a wonderful gift. I mean how many people get a free, all expense paid vacation in there lifetime. So, thereÂ’s been no research, other than reading other travelerÂ’s safety tips, which were really an eye opener on theme park safety. Now, does anyone have any suggestions on must do items in Orlando? See, IÂ’m not researching, IÂ’m listening to suggestions. Heh, heh, heh!

BTW, I'll be picture blogging my vacation via my cell at Postcards from NYC and will also have access to blog's comments here. You didn't think I'd live this place ungarded did you!

Posted by: Michele at 09:33 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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ItÂ’s been a really tough and sad day for me!

The emotional rollercoaster began when JD, my breakfast buddy for the past 7 months, got all choked up as we were making breakfast for the last time together in our office's microscopic kitchen. Actually, thatÂ’s how we met and began our friendship. Being creatures of similar schedules and habits, we wound up preparing breakfast at the same time every morning in that small kitchen.. After a few weeks we easily got into a rhythm and dance where we ended sharing the responsiblities of making tea for two, and toasting bagels for the other in order to be able to make our breakfast quickly saving time and effort. Someone commented last week that we were like an old married couple the way we moved about the small space intuitively without bumping into each other.

Later I was called into the conference room and was surprised with a wonderful take out lunch hosted by the members of other departments on our floor. I was truly touched by their kindness and thoughtfulness. I almost began to cry when I was presented with a card, flowers and chocolate at the end of lunch. Heck IÂ’m choked up right now!

At the end of the day, when people started stopping over to give me hugs, say good bye and wish us all luck at our new location I couldnÂ’t help but begin to cry silently. Of all the environments IÂ’ve ever worked in, this group of people have been the most incredibly supportive group of people IÂ’ve ever worked with.

I think a lot of the difference has to do with the fact that theyÂ’re all World Trade Center survivors. We have all lived our life the same way, intensely appreciating life in the moment. These people cared about me and supported me the entire time I was amongst them. IÂ’m going to miss MauryÂ’s daily visits to tell me a joke or too. IÂ’m going to miss my weekly dance practice sessions in the copy room with Nori, and how Ray & I would break into song if we heard a snippet of a lyric in anyoneÂ’s conversation.

Ironically I was a bit reserved from the beginning. It's wasn't easy losing all my close friends in the 9/11 attack. And it hasn't been easy making new friends either. That's in addition to me being a very reserved person in my professional life. But these people wouldn't accept that. I was brought into their world and they made great efforts to make me a part of it whether I wanted to or not. For the first time at my firm I felt that I was truly an essential part of a team, even though I wasnÂ’t in their department.

LotÂ’s more happened today, including the death of a cat I've cat-sit regularly for more than 12 years, but IÂ’m just too emotional and worn out physically from the move to write about it. I think I'll just go to my bed, have a good cry and maybe tomorrow if I feel better I'll write some more.

Posted by: Michele at 10:29 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Those people could appreciate who you are and wanted to hold up a mirror for you.

Posted by: _Jon at January 28, 2006 09:50 AM (/R7YK)

2 I agree with Jon, and will simply add {{{{{Hug}}}}}

Posted by: Laughing Wolf at January 28, 2006 12:10 PM (5cMH5)

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ItÂ’s against my nature to be mean-spirited or evil to anyoneÂ… that is unless they push me too close to the edge. Today I did something truly awful which IÂ’m not proud of, and for which I still find myself feeling great self-loathing for several hours now.

DonÂ’t get me wrong, it needed to be done... for a long time now. For years, these truths needed to be said. I just hadnÂ’t said them because to do so would sever old ties and show such disloyalty, that even I wouldnÂ’t be comfortable with that. But todayÂ… today, I was forced to set all of that aside and do something mean, awful and hurtful for anotherÂ’s benefit. In the process, well, I got bruised and scuffed up pretty bad (emotionally that is). Sigh!

What did I do that was so awful? I told a friend, who called me in a very suicidal state (as heÂ’s done a few times before) to finally get it over with and go ahead and kill himself. I did 15 minutes of being supportive and being positive and pointing out that he needed professional help (as IÂ’d done a great many times before), but this time I had just had it with the whining, blaming and victim complex. There was nothing left for me to lose except my own sanity, so I finally got tough and said lotÂ’s of horrible things with one purpose in mind, to get him so angry, so enraged in fact, that he would no longer feel like killing himself and instead feel like killing me.

It took 20 min of me cursing at him in a very controlled manner and emasculating him verbally, but in the end I got the job done. Of course heÂ’s still alive but now I feel like crap. This is a toxic friendship... It wasnÂ’t always like this. At the beginning it was me who needed him to be supportive of my hopes and dreams. As a fellow artist he was the only one who believed in me and encouraged me. When everyone, and I mean everyone, believed I was wasting my time with singing, writing and photography, it was he who would make sure that I got out there and would also get encouraged or recognized by others. He helped me slay dragons, and I in turn did the same for and with himÂ… that is until his own demons became too large and unearthly for me to help.

When things got bad, this brilliant painter shut the light from the love of those around him and instead turned to the demons within him to guide him to a place unreachable by everyone. So as a result he spiraled downward to the depths of darkness within his soul. Each and every time these demons have led him to only one placeÂ… death.

These demons can disappear as easily as they appear because they are clinical in nature. You see whenever he gets off his meds, his demons come back en masse and become all too real. He becomes a soul hunted and haunted by these dark and oppressive creatures.

A long time ago I reconciled with the fact that no amount of caring would change the outcome of these episodes. The problem however stemmed from the fact that he had always been the kind of person who always looked at his glass as somewhat empty. As the years passed his glass became empty. IÂ’ve dealt with it by continuously pointing out how it was not and citing convincing evidence. But to someone whoÂ’s negative and jaded to the core, even with meds, thereÂ’s no amount of psychotropic drugs in the world that would enable him to appreciate lifeÂ’s small and intrinsic simple beauty, a beauty that can carry most of us forward on a relatively bad day.

His inability to accept lifeÂ’s imperfect, simplistic and abounding challenges, and turning to recreational drugs to remove the feelings of quiet desperation only served to make a bad situation worse. Every few years or so we wind up here... him turning to me for salvationÂ… and me playing a loosing battle because I'm not omnipotent. Unfortunately, I donÂ’t have anything to give him anymore. His last suicide attempt 6 years ago took everything out of me. So today, being brought to the same place once again I too had reached the end of my rope and gave him the ultimate ultimatumÂ… get help or finally do what he has threatened me with all these years.

I can no longer stand amidst so much darkness. Life for me is a choice that I make every day. Each day I choose the quality and color of my day. I either walk and bask in the bright sunlight, even when it rains, or I go down the path of negativity and darkness, which only does two thingsÂ… it extinguishes all my hope/dreams and surrounds me with eternal darkness. Today, unbeknowngst to him, I said goodbye to an old friend. In doing so I chose to stand in bright sunshine and eternal hope, leaving him with positive thoughts and prayers to his creator, to do for him that which I have no power to do. By writing this IÂ’m already starting to feel the warmth from the bright sunlight I choose to stand in. .

Posted by: Michele at 03:23 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 I used to have a relationship with someone like this. I finally had to recognize that I could do nothing to help her, only she could help herself. In the process, I had done a lot of damage to myself. Ultimately, you have to make a decision like you did today. It can be brutally painful, but it also can be the only way to take care of yourself at a certain point. Small comfort today, I'm sure.

Posted by: Eric at January 10, 2006 01:19 AM (25vSR)

2 I may not be the best person to give advice on this subject, but I'm going to spout off anyway. I think you did the right thing, I'm a firm proponant of the "strong kick in the pants" method of dealing with people like that. Sometimes what they need is the wake up call and that will do it.

Posted by: Contagion at January 10, 2006 08:42 AM (Q5WxB)

3 You did what you needed to do for you. You are more important to me than him. I support you.

Posted by: _Jon at January 10, 2006 04:35 PM (/R7YK)

4 You have described my ex- to a T. Once, during one of her "fits", I asked her why she refused to take her meds. She asked me, "Why can't you just love me for me?" She thought she was losing some of her true self by taking meds. Also, I think that by not taking them she became more and more unwilling to help herself and, so, more unwilling to take them. In "our endtimes" (as I call those last couple of years) she stayed cooped up in her apartment reading books about persecution of the Jews. (She's Jewish, btw.) She was an artist, as well. She would criticize my drawing and painting style because I didn't have any formal art training. (She had a full art scholarship to Carnegie-Mellon University.) "Shadows on white are blue, not gray. Blue!" she'd scold. Then one day she told me that she envied my drawing style. "Whadda ya mean," I asked, "I can't draw!" "You're drawing have real emotion in them. Mine are so sterile," she said. I thought about that and looked at her pencil drawings. She was right. She had her technique down pat. She knew all about proportion and shading and whatnot, but her drawings weren't engaging on an emotional level. You said that your friend is a gifted painter. I wonder what you think is the best quality of his style. Can he evoke an emotion with them? Just curious. Anywho, sorry to yammer on and on, but I know how draining it is to have to deal with those suicide attempts. (Yep, I cut her down from my ceiling once, and once drove her to the hospital at 4am to get her stomach pumped.) The last time I heard from her was about five years ago. She called me from the hospital (again) and left me a message that she wanted me to call her. She then left a second message saying that she DIDN'T want me to call. She left a third message that she DID want me to call. I never called her and I haven't heard from her since, or tried to contact her directly. I don't think that your scolding of your friend will change him. Hopefully it will, but I doubt it. People like him do not want to make themselves better, they want the people they love to make them feel better by accepting them as they are: doomed. When he calls to tell you that he is feeling suicidal, he wants you to tell him that he is beautiful just the way he is. He refuses to believe that his problem stems from the fact that he IS just the way he is -- off meds and doomed because of it -- and that you hate to see him that way. You can't help him and, sadly, he refuses to help himself. At times like this he is, because of his inate chemical imbalance, nearly powerless to summon the wherewithall to do what he knows he must do. If he IS like my ex- then he is mad at the world and perhaps -- just perhaps -- a part of his world that he loves, being mad at him, may finally show him that it is he who must change, not the world. If not, then he may very well commit suicide. It does happen, and it is very sad. The best you can do is pound it into his head that he can't come to you for help. The help he needs isn't here. It's, first, transcending the addiction (even if for a day) to self-destructive thinking and, second, going over there to where the help is. Hopefully he'll take the time and really really think hard about that and finally come out the other side with a clearer head.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at January 10, 2006 08:03 PM (z1H29)

5 What you did was hard, but the right thing often is. All we can do is point the way, to offer a hand in the light. They must choose to come into the light, and we must not let the offer of our hand be taken as a means to pull us into the dark. May the light warm you and wrap you in its love, and may your friend one day allow himself to step into the light as well.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf at January 11, 2006 08:57 AM (5cMH5)

6 One of the things I love most about you is how your strength comes out in times of trial. You're an amazing woman, and I'm proud to know you.

Posted by: Harvey at January 12, 2006 10:47 AM (ubhj8)

7 As you know, this subject is near and dear to my heart, but I'm reminded of a time, many years ago, when one of my soldiers had locked himself in his car in my presence, putting a knife to his wrist, seemingly straining to cut himself. I recall punching the car window with considerable force and barked that if he wanted to kill himself he'd have to do it at another time and place because if that knife were to cut his skin I explained that I'd easily break the window, patch him up and all he'd have accomplished would be soiling his car with a now broken window. He stopped and came out. I of course took him to counseling and in just a few months he transformed into a stellar soldier. You done good Michele and I'd echo what Harvey said, I too am proud to know you.

Posted by: Sgt Hook at January 12, 2006 07:28 PM (jlMVG)

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Though I have recently been picking on my newest bestest blog buddy (he truly is a sight for sore eyes isn't he?), I have to now confess that the reason I've been doing so is because I'm truly jelous of him.

Yep, I must "cop to the fact" (as they say in NY - blame RedNeck for his influence on me using slang in my posts) that I'm envious of Z's entire life. Not that I'd like to be a guy mind you, but I just wish I had his job. I think his job would be perfect for me because I prefer to be ignored rather than getting yelled at for stuff I didn't do. I wish I could live 10 min from work and in a pretty area with a pool, like he does, so I could go swimming every morning and evening to work off the stress from work. And although I love my son with all my heart, there are times that I wish I had the footloose and fancy free lifestyle (read as NO RESPONSIBILITIES) that I used to have years ago, and that he's enjoying now! SIGH.

So, dear Zonker, my verbal/pictorial swipes at you and my being a bagel tease are simply those of one who wishes I could be you every blue moon. Like when you go to visit Eric in a few weeks, and meet up with my family... or when you go to listen to Buddy Guy next month in Fla., which I used to do at the drop of a hat. All my friends would have to do is call me up and say "Road Trip" and off I went. Sigh, I miss those days.

So, when you're on the road to these places, please know that I will be with you in spirit, with my feet up on the dashboard, singing to the tunes on your player, annoying the living hell out of you! : )

Posted by: Michele at 09:47 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 and you left out the most important part, michele, which is zonker gets all the babes too!! heh heh heh...

Posted by: mr. helpful at October 20, 2005 12:20 PM (U28kD)

2 either way, dude, you get all the babes. which is a helluva lot better than NOT getting all the babes, wouldnt ya say?

Posted by: mr. helpful at October 20, 2005 04:48 PM (U28kD)

3 Well, okay...so I've got these claws and these teeth. Now, how do I kill the bunny?

Posted by: zonker at October 21, 2005 12:03 AM (/y7q3)

4 you're like this big bear, man, you're money and you dont even know it!!!

Posted by: mr. helpful at October 21, 2005 01:32 AM (U28kD)

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Well... well... well; so you thought that going out of town would prevent people from posting pictorial evidence of your drunken debauchery at the blogmeet? How naive and trusting you are! Don't you know where there are bloggers, there are people with cameras waiting for a moment of weakness or drunkenness, they use to show on their blog just how low others can go? Or did you think they would ignore the fact that because you were found in this vulnerable state you would be spared?

Unfortunately, your exposure at the blogmeet was such, that everyone has been able to identify you everywhere. I know that because of all this new found notoriety you've tried to take on a new persona, that of Mullet-man, or Cousin It's younger sibling. However, my concern is that you won't learn your lesson in time for the next blogmeet, and will make yourself vulnerable once again. I pray for your sake you do become more cautious. After all, Eric and the rest of my blog kin are a wonderful group. But if you don't learn from mistakes like these, there's no telling what might happen with my family as they are practical jokers extraordinaires! So beware and be aware when you next visit Eric!
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Posted by: Michele at 08:49 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 those of us who were wondering if there was a mullet er...on the "other" end can now rest easy knowing there isnt. unless, of course, someone shave it off. if so, i'd be pretty pissed dude because it musta taken a LONG time grow one "down there" where would we all be if there werent well intentioned people like michele to bring us the the story, the whole story and nothing BUTT the story... happy birthday dude!!

Posted by: mr. helpful at October 16, 2005 09:00 PM (U28kD)

2 Hahahaaaaaaaa! I didn't know they took pictures of me, too!!!

Posted by: zonker at October 16, 2005 11:18 PM (/y7q3)

3 .. yep... those things happen.. but don't worry.. I'll be gentle next time....

Posted by: Eric at October 17, 2005 08:54 AM (uHA2j)

4 Heheh... nicely done, Michele!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at October 17, 2005 02:10 PM (OiVIK)

5 Eeeek! I'm blind!!!!

Posted by: _Jon at October 17, 2005 05:04 PM (/R7YK)

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Or I should entitle this post: The Best For Last. Meaning that it took me this long to come up with what I think is the perfect pair of digital presents for my dear, sweet, and talented blog brother. Harvey, stop scrolling down and please get your mind out of the gutter! It's not like that at all!

After spending an inordinate amount of time first searching for what I wanted, then debating on which would be your birthday present, I finally narrowed it down to 2 things. Since I couldn't decide on which one would bring a bigger smile to your face I decided to present you with these two. So enjoy!

The first is a lovely poem by Welsh poet Dylan Thomas, entitled "In My Craft Or Sullen Art" which was published in 1946 (I believe that's the date of your birth per Laughing Wolf). It's included here for your reading pleasure.

In my craft or sullen art
Exercised in the still night
When only the moon rages
And the lovers lie abed
With all their griefs in their arms
I labour by singing light
Not for ambition or bread
Or the strut and trade of charms
On the ivory stages
But for the common wages
Of their most secret heart.

Not for the proud man apart
From the raging moon I write
On these spindrift pages
Nor for the towering dead
With their nightingales and psalms
But for the lovers, their arms
Round the griefs of the ages,
Who pay no praise or wages
Nor heed my craft or art.

Your second gift can be found in the extended entry, it's a little off focus but nevertheless worth viewing. Here it is Tadaa! It's a lovely picture of what I believe is a very pretty, sweet, smart, and sexy librarian. I hope Mrs. SWG will understand and forgive me for indulging you. Since this is simply meant for Eric, no one else need look any further.

Happy Birthday Blog Bro and may you have many, many more days and years of good Mojo!! more...

Posted by: Michele at 10:26 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 ... that was beautiful, Michele... thank you very, very much.... ... now, bring on the NASA librarian!..

Posted by: Eric at October 16, 2005 08:07 AM (uHA2j)

2 Um, my birthday is coming up in April...

Posted by: Sgt Hook at October 16, 2005 04:35 PM (jlMVG)

3 I knew you were a tease...

Posted by: _Jon at October 16, 2005 10:26 PM (/R7YK)

4 Wise guys!

Posted by: time first at November 13, 2005 03:10 PM (AqDGi)

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Update: Random Penseur is another blogger who contemplates the question of friendship, but his exploration focuses on the nature of online friendships. I think his post, as well as his readers comments are a very interesting and worthwhile read. Shall we discuss?

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This afternoon I stopped by my blog bro, That1Guy's site, over at Drunken Wisdom and read his post on losing touch with friends. I related so much to his post, but for very different reasons, that it got me thinking on how my own relationships have drastically changed since 9/11.

For one thing, since the death of my friends on that day, I've adjusted my definitions of friend and have established a criteria for those people who think IÂ’m their friend, when in truth we are less than that. To that group I am a friend because IÂ’m available to talk when they call and IÂ’m able to help when they need something from me. This is really hardly a reciprocal relationship. In my book, reciprocity is an important element of friendship.
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Posted by: Michele at 12:00 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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My mood has been somewhat off since yesterday, and I wasnÂ’t quite able to figure out why. After all, it was a text book successful interview from what I observed and from the feedback I received from my former colleague. IÂ’ll be back Monday to interview with the person I didnÂ’t have time to see yesterday as the interviews where long.

For me the only challenging moment happened when I was asked 'What was my singular or main goal in life?' That took me completely by surprise because I just don't have one goal, I have many goals.... I have anywhere from 5 to 15 goals for each area of my life.

Somehow my mouth began to move. As the words slowly began to come out of my mouth, I began to form sentences regarding my career. My first thought had been say, ‘to continuously become a better person and to be a good mom’. As I came out of my head and back to the interview, I heard myself suddenly say: "and in 10 years I should be finished with law school in the evenings, enabling to use my degree in a variety of areas within the firm."

The instant she took her eyes off me to write down some notes, I thought to myself Whoaa! Law school?!!!! Where the hell did that come from. Since when have I been subconsciously thinking about going to law school so that it would even enter in a conversation. When on earth did that mind shift happen. Okay, for the record, that must not have been me talking. It had to be somebody else.
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Posted by: Michele at 05:27 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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There are voices which come to me at the oddest moments. Voices from the past and of people IÂ’ve known. IÂ’ve heard reassuring voices of some of my friends who have past on. MikeÂ’s voice has always been the loudest and strongest, and thatÂ’s probably because heÂ’s the one IÂ’ve known the longest.

His voice was there, as it had been many times before, affirming, assuring, nagging and promising me things would turn out alright. When I had no hope or faith, it was his faith that always carried me through whatever challenge I was facing. Overtime, I began to develop a faith and a hope of my own. His guarantees, were the reassurance I needed in order for patience to take hold and wait for the miracles to happen in my life.

It was MikeÂ’s voice who hounded me every day for months, to get off my ass, start walking and get back in shape. He was a guy who could not stand flab in his loved ones. He knew that if he said it to me enough times IÂ’d get tired of his nagging voice and IÂ’d do something just to shut him up. It worked.
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Posted by: Michele at 02:23 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Beautiful writing, wonderful message, similar experiences.

Posted by: _Jon at April 06, 2005 11:27 PM (RZ4Hy)

2 The beautiful part is you will always have that beloved voice with you. To me, when I've reached the point you describe I think of it as moving. Now, instead of meeting for coffee or drinks at the drop of a hat - it's a phone call. Still treasured, still vital, but with distance. Dang, having trouble putting it in writing, but I hope you see what I'm trying to say.

Posted by: Tammi at April 07, 2005 09:32 AM (7K6EQ)

3 This is probably a dumb question, but did Mike tell you submit that one entry to the New Blog Showcase: http://lettersfromnyc.blogspot.com/2004/06/jaccuse.html or did he just help you write it? Funny thing is, I almost didn't read that post, since it started out in French. Good thing I scrolled down a bit :-)

Posted by: Harvey at April 07, 2005 11:12 AM (tJfh1)

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There's a story book that I like to read to little children entitled: Guess How Much I Love You. It's a book that Amy gave me when I was recovering from cancer at age 25. My biggest worry at that time was whether or not I would be able to have children after undergoing radiation and chemotherapy. The book was meant to inspire me and help me think positively about my future.

After The Cat in the Hat, which I know by heart, this book is my favorite. There was a young marine who I used to write to who's innocence and strength of conviction reminded me a great deal of Little Nut Brown Hare, the main character in that book. After corresponding with him while he was in Iraq, I was glad to hear the news that he was finally home in Long Island. For me it meant that one more Marine had done his duty and was now safely home.
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Posted by: Michele at 04:50 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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On this day I would like to honor and thank those courageous and dedicated men and women of our Armed Forces, who continue to give of themselves for love of their family and country. You may count amongst your fallen brothers my colleague, friend and mentor, Rick Rescorla.

From the moment the first plane hit the World Trade Center I immediately thought of Rick's words and predictions. As a seasoned soldier, and one of the men who was featured in both the book and the movie We Were Soldiers, he knew our enemies very well and spoke out of our need for preparedness for many years prior to 9/11.

My heartfelt thanks to the National Review and the Mudville Gazette for honoring such a wonderful friend and mentor by sharing his biography with the world.

For a blogosphere round-up of the best postings on this day visit Winds of Change. There you will find everything from the touching to the humorous and the heartfelt. more...

Posted by: Michele at 08:46 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Today, the day after Labor Day, is and forever will be my official day of remembrance for all of you. Just as I did these last two years, I took the day off today and picked up different bouquets with all your favorite flowers and headed downtown.
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Posted by: Michele at 10:10 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Dear Mike
Last night, I had yet another one of my rough sleepless nights. The kind of night where surfing helped me remain grounded in the present and not let me descend into the quick sand of emotional turmoil. I read until exhaustion set in and I surrendered to the comfort of my bed. While there, I stared at the glow in the dark stars I glued to the ceiling. ItÂ’s one of the things that I miss of living overseas, looking up to see a blanket of stars light up the night sky. I remember as a little girl spending hours looking out the window identifying constellations and seeing what other figures I could make out in that brightly lit sky. more...

Posted by: Michele at 10:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Where did the time go? It was just yesterday that I was in Grad school, working 3 part-time jobs and teaching. Living and loving my life and friends with great intensity, at break neck speeds. Time was measured in semesters and the length of school breaks.

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Posted by: Michele at 01:31 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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