You would think that an urbane chick like me could handle anything life throws her way. I usually can, that’s why I have the job I do. But when it comes to SOME men, like my sexy, wonderful “Secret Agent Man” (SAM for short), I can be rather clueless. I discovered that last night quite by accident.

At the end of a most wonderful phone conversation he finally said to me: So how soon can I hear from you again?"

Ms. Sophisticated Urbane Chic (me) answered "Uhhhhhhm, I don't know." Why did I say such a stupid thing? ‘Cause I was truly puzzled and when that happens my mind starts racing. That's when the barrage of questions from my inner demons residing in my head began, "You know, I'm not really clear on what he means" and in the background I hear his wonderful sexy voice protesting my "I don't know."

“Oh, I see how it is… [he says in a disappointed frustrated voice] I’ve been away in China on business for almost 10 days, in which I didn’t call because of the 12hr time difference, and as a result I'm now relegated to the backburner of your life, while you play it cool. I see how it is.”

My inner demons were screaming at me, the arrogant evil one thought, "good let him sweat it out for awhile for not calling". The nicer demon screamed “Noooooooo, wait, that’s not what you meant, talk to him…. NOW dammit!!! Tell him the truth. Tell him that you’ve missed him, but didn’t call sooner because he hadn’t responded to your last email. Tell him you thought he was busy and...”

“AHHHH, STOP!!!“ I shouted to myself in my head as I pressed the palms of my head against my forward to try and stop the chatter and my impending headache. The voices subsided long enough for me to respond to SAM, who had been quietly protesting all the while through the telephone. When I spoke, all I was finally able to say was, “Its your turn next.”

"What?!!" I thought to myself. All I remember from him was silence. While within me raged a second storm between my twin demons who were by now vying intenselfy for supremacy, so ttheir message could get out first. The nice demon said: “Tell him you DO want to talk with him… often, but just don’t know how often and how long, or what happens if he calls and you're not in the mood. Or what if you're PMS, Lord, that’s never a good time to talk with you, EVER!.” I swear, for once in my life I was rolling my eyes at myself. I was so grateful he wasn't standing before me. My internal dialogue continued going in all different directions, my feelings were being crowded out by my demon twins [I'm a true gemini after all].

My evil demon shouted, saying, “Wait A minute... you’ve emailed, you’ve called… you’re not the only one who should be doing the heavy lifting here. He has to show he truly cares about this relationship too, otherwise you’re giving too much of yourself, and then it becomes one-sided when it should be an equal effort… a give and take, a partnership. This is when they show you if they can be a truly giving and caring friend, 'cause if that's too much to handle, then they'll be coming up short with everything else every time and then it'll be too late to realize you're just been wasting your time.” Since the argument sounded reasonable, I let my last statement stand.

We talked for a bit more about other things, I donÂ’t remember how the call ended exactly, it was late and I hadnÂ’t slept well in a week, so I knew to quit while ahead.

And since I wasnÂ’t able to sleep yet again, in the wee hours of the morning I wondered if this is as hard for him, as it is for me. How on earth do we get past the inner demons and the fears to be able to speak from our hearts. Is it just as hard for him to tell me what he wants or needs from me, as it is for me. But the truth is that somehow we are managing to go over those spped bumps called fears, that temporarily slow us down long enough for us to take stock on how things are going on this wonderful journey. The good thing is that those bumps serve as a way to learn how to first and foremost be friends, so that we can learn how to be incredible lovers afterwards. I wonder if he's even aware how my stammering and stumbling of words is something that happens only when I talk with him.

Because if it hadn’t been that hard for me, I would have simply said, “You know what, I’ve missed you this past week. I've missed your sense of humor, your incredible sexy voice; I've missed the sharing of our week with each other... I always love hearing from you... in any form. So write when you want to write, even if its just to say hi and to let me know you're busy. Call when you feel like calling. And if we can talk, we’ll talk and If we can’t… well, then we’ll figure something out when we get there. You just tell me what you're comfortable with, then do what you're comfortable with, and I'll do the same, and we'll just go from there. How does that sound?”

One thing's for sure, next time I'll make sure I have plenty of sleep before we talk. I think the call would have gone a lot differently had I slept more than 16 hrs in in the last 5 days.

Hmmmm, I wonder if anyone has figured out how we can do do-overs in relationships. Any suggestions?

Posted by: Michele at 12:27 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 982 words, total size 5 kb.

Love

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

~ by Roy Croft

Posted by: Michele at 10:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Comments are still closed. May you all have a wonderful week!

Posted by: Michele at 12:07 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Between me and the world
you are a calendar, a compass.
A ray of light that slips through the gloom.
You are a biographical sketch, a bookmark,
a preface that comes at the end.

Between me and the world
you are a gauze curtain, a mist.
A lamp shining into my dreams.
You are a bamboo flute, a song without words,
a closed eyelid carved in stone.

by Bei Dao
as translated by Bonnie McDougall

Posted by: Michele at 04:50 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I long for you
In stillness of night
Dreaming your arms
Are holding me tight.
I whisper softly
And call your name
It's your voice I hear
Again and again.
My heart is full
Yet empty too
Because I long
And want just you.

~ ME

I"ll be away this weekend, going to the mountains to see the colors of God. Comments are closed while I revel in memories of a most beautiful phone call.

Posted by: Michele at 02:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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We had been lost in each other for what seemed like only a short while, when we heard the conductor announcing our arrival in DC. Not knowing what to say, we gathered our belongings in silence. Reality had intruded into our little world and had cruelly disrupted it.

When he finally turned his attention back to me, there was a seriousness of manner and a purpose in his look that could not be mistaken. I’ve been in business long enough to know when a man is about to try and “close the deal”. I listened intently to him praise the qualities he liked most about me, and was touched by his sweet and sincere manner. It’s never easy for a guy to ask a woman out, I’ve always been keenly aware and sensitive to that. So, it was even harder for me when I was forced to turn down his dinner invitation. I quickly explained that it's a personal rule I have, not to go out with men I don’t know. Normally, that deters those men who only have one thing in mind, from going any further.

But when I also turned him down for lunch he was really confused. I again explained, since we didnÂ’t have any acquaintances in common that could vouch for his character, I would have to know him awhile before I could accept any invitation. After all, all I knew of him was what he told me of himself and whatever was printed on his business card.

To help him understand where I was coming from, I shared with him a personal experience I had over a year ago. A gentleman, who called himself a christian, told me he was an Eagle Scout, a well-respected college professor and leader in his community. While wooing me over a period of several weeks, I refused to meet with him for the same reason and I thought I had gotten to know him pretty well. What he didn't tell me (though I asked) and what I later discovered, was all along he had a wife, mother-in-law, and 2 children living with him. Of course, it was easy for him to be so deceitful; aside from lacking morals and values, he took advantage of my ignorance because I didnÂ’t live nearby. I had no way of knowing.

Having apologized for being so insistent about dinner, he became quiet and reflective. After a short interval he once again began to smile and said (more for himself than to me), “All good things come to those who wait. I’m a patient man, and that virtue has gotten me to where I am today, so I know my patience can take me all the way…. to dinner that is.”

A minute later he was holding the door open for me to enter the taxi. He lingered long enough to give me just a bit of hope. He finally said the words I’d been hoping to hear for the last few minutes: “May I call you?”

I momentarily held my breath as my heart leapt up with excitement. Smiling happily I answered, “Yes. I would love that.”

Sporting a happy smile, which made him look younger and more handsome than he had all day, he asked “Is Saturnday night at 9:00 a good time?

“9:00pm is perfect”

“Then it’s a date!” he said with a mischievous look on his face. He closed the door as he smiled triumphantly, having managed to secure more time with me after all. I leaned forward and waved goodbye just to take one last good look at his gorgeous frame. I had already memorized his face. It was my last chance to memorize the rest of him before he disappeared from view.

By the time I arrived at the office, there was an email waiting for me that simply read:

“I’m really looking forward to talking with you Saturday night!”

Posted by: Michele at 01:06 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 I love these entries.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at October 11, 2007 12:55 PM (+MvHD)

2 I need to know more. I want pictures or more detail... but preferably pics of pecs and gluts and whatever other attributes he may have. Otherwise....

Posted by: Lisa at October 11, 2007 01:59 PM (cV7Xy)

3 I can't believe what a tease you are, you know you are killing us with this slow tell of the story.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at October 11, 2007 06:00 PM (BksWB)

4 I agree with Quality Weenie. I know that patience is a virtue... it's just not MY virtue... sigh. )

Posted by: Lemon Stand at October 11, 2007 10:24 PM (6+A8I)

5 Lisa, you're stealing my line! As for more and now... I've never fallen in love overnight. I've fallen deeply in lust just on sight, but never in love. Not even after several dates. For me falling for someone is a long process, for what matters to me most is not easy to see or experience. It can't be discovered through a kiss no matter how incredible it may be. It can't be uncovered by a few questions, though they may lead me in the right direction. For me to connect to a person's soul, to learn who they truly are and what makes them special takes time. And often they're in too much of a hurry to find out themselves.

Posted by: michele at October 11, 2007 10:41 PM (Cyg+y)

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Love is an incredibly powerful force. It has its own energy and life span and can outlive the bonds with those we love.

Meeting this incredbile man recently has made me thing of my very first grown up love.

My first true grown up love was and incredibly beautiful and powerful love that had a force and an energy all its own. Its hard to put into words how incredibly perfect it was. IÂ’ve never spoken of Jack to anyone because the huge solid lump in my throat would prevent me from speaking his name, let alone me sharing about him or our time together. Even now, tears still flow as I write and think of him. I can still vividly recall the moment we first met, what we wore, what we said, how we felt (though the intensity of the emotions have faded considerably over these past 20 years). There are times I remember awkward funny moments that our self-consciousness produced very early on, which gave way to a growing strong and abiding love.

For a very long time I believed he was my one and only soul mate. But he, being older and wiser, kept insisting, especially as his cancer progressed, that I would love again and eventually find another wonderful soul mate. Being 20, I felt I had already lived a lifetime. so I never knew whether to believe him or not. I figured either way time would tell, but I didn't think it could ever be possible for me to have what we had a 2nd time around.

This past summer I had a lot of time to think about the kinds of love I have experienced in my lifetime and the kind of love I now want to have in my life. For the first time I had the courage to think back on the kind of love Jack and I shared, and reflect on what made it work and what was lacking, so I could be clear about the kind of love I want to experience in the future.

Funny how it took me to be in my mid 40Â’s to learn love is not an accident. Meeting someone, and experiencing a connection with them is, but true love is something that evolves slowly over time. True love exists when you deeply care, not only what happens to that person, but loving them in spite of their shortcoming and through every challenge they experience. True love doesn't fade in their absence, or with sickness, and is supposed to remain steadfast in health. When you truly love it holds steadfast whether you grow richer or poorer, and irregardlessly of your lives getting better or worse.

Saying “I do” doesn’t make true love so. True love is a state that exists way before the “I do’s”. It’s when both individuals are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, thrive, and grow, and you’re not afraid of self-sacrifice or hard work, because the rewards from it are so incredibly worth the sacrifice.

I bumped into JackÂ’s parents this summer. After years of marriage they were still holding hands as they walked down the street. We recognized each other and immediately began talking and catching up on the missing decades, as people so often do in this city.

Afterwards, as I watched them slowly walk away, hand in hand, I realized what a gift Jack had been in my life. In loving me, he taught me how to truly love. And to truly love someone is to do so openly, honestly and without manipulation, with caring, patience and understanding; with commitment for the other's well being as well as their own. It is loving with passion, respect and vulnerability; all while deferring self-centered desires for the greater good, which is always the relationship.

Jack, what a blessing and a great teacher you were. Thank you! And I finally believe your prediction was right. I finally believe I have found my other soul mate. His smile and laughter are already in my heart, filling the space that you opened up for him to fill. Thank you!

Posted by: Michele at 12:08 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 699 words, total size 4 kb.

There is something that happens to the rest of the world when you meet that special someone you strongly connect with. For awhile, the noisy intrusive world that surrounds us ceases to exist. Time seems to stand still, when in fact it steals away precious minutes from new found lovers. The world shrinks to encompass only them and nothing and no one else exists in their little world. Sleep, hunger, comfort, all are sacrificed just to linger for a moment longer with that special someone. Early on in their meetings, that special someone's presence and closeness is all they need and want for nourishment.

But what most of us don't realize when looking at that special someone, is that we really don't see what's before us. No, instead what we see is all that we wish to see and hope to find in another. What is before us is often a magical illusion of all our hopes and dreams. Anything beyond that is ignored for the sake of maintaining the wonderful fantasy just a little while longer. So we can have that love high be just a little sweeter.

That was the Svengali-like effect he had on me. Nothing existed within my sight except his beautiful smile, his heavenly eyes and his heart-melting sexy voice. He too was just as attentive and eager to learn about me as I was about him.

At one point he was sharing this story about himself babysitting his younger nephew. As a mom, I couldn't help but think that his story of learning to be an uncle and of the manly 3 second rule (for food that falls on a floor) were a bit gross and did not reflect the incredibly sophisticated and attractive man that was before me. I couldn't help but unconsciously responded by making a strange face.

Stopping mid story he asks: “What’s wrong?”

Though I hesitated at first I went ahead and asked, “Do you always tell this story to women you’re trying to impress?”

“Uh… yes”. Why?

“No wonder you’re still single. That’s story makes you seem so.. so… .... sooo unlayable right now... it’s just not funny!”

His shock caused him to gasp and pause a bit before letting out the biggest raucous heartfelt laughter IÂ’ve ever heard from a guy. I too was shocked at hearing my honest thoughts escaping my mouth, and laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he confessed to me that no one had ever told him that it was such an unappealing story.

“Well honey, someone needs to tell you the truth… and often. Otherwise the next thing you’ll go around believing is that you’re handsome, and we can’t have you going around believing that falsehood.”

Here again he laughed heartily too. I enjoyed making him laugh because he had the most wonderfully infectious laughter and the most heart-warming smile I had ever seen.

Yes, each second of those 2 hours and 45 minutes were nothing like I had ever experienced before in my ife... they were truly magical.

Posted by: Michele at 02:18 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 516 words, total size 3 kb.

While descending the stairs at Penn Station I was glad to see that my Amtrak train bound for DC had not yet arrived. Reaching the bottom of the steps I excused myself, to get the attention of 2 gentleman blocking my path onto the platform.

As they apologized I could not help but stare at the one gentleman who turned to face me. For a moment I thought I had run into my best friend, but knew that to be impossible since he had just left for a long secret vacation at some unknown resort with some mystery woman. I smiled broadly thinking to myself, how am I ever going to explain my staring, to this handsome gentleman standing before me?

“Pardon me” I finally say to him, who is by now returning my smile, ”I must tell you that I believe you have a twin brother in Georgia”

Shaking his head while smiling broadly he laughingly says, “That has got to be THE worst pick up line I have ever heard!” I was instantly captivated by his honeyed northern Virginia drawl. And yet, I couldn’t help but laugh heartily, both at his presumption and clever response.

As I laughed I realized I still couldnÂ’t stop staring at him, which made me both very self-conscious and caused my breathing to quicken. I was just mesmerized by his deep intent gaze into my own eyes. I think it is so sexy when a man is confident enough to look straight into my eyes and hold my gaze. Thinking at that moment was impossible, but I needed to say something to the man standing so closely before me, awaiting patiently for a response. Amidst our silence, I felt his Svengali-like power begin to take hold of me.

Momentarily looking away I gathered all my courage to speak honestly. Smiling shyly as I looked back at him once again, I finally whispered, “I’m sorry… your beautiful green eyes have mesmerized me and I can’t think of anything to say.”

As he continued to hold my gaze, I could sense his surprise. “Wow…that is the most honest come back line I’ve ever heard!”

I truly don’t remember what he said next, for I was completely lost in the beautiful sea of green that were still controlling me. I do remember thinking about halfway through our trip, as we continued to talk, “Wow, he’s funny, intelligent, interesting, charming, well traveled, self-confident and handsome, with a great body to boot… I finally have before me the man of my dreams. Oh Lord, I think I'm in deep trouble here… If he’s meant to be in my life please Lord, let me know the right thing to say.“

Posted by: Michele at 11:30 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 461 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Ohhhhh! What a lovely post! (Sending lots of good karma your way... wait, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... maybe I should send you my homemade black forest cheesecake and a bottle of wine instead?) )

Posted by: Lemon Stand at October 05, 2007 12:15 PM (JROsA)

2 Good karma... good thoughts... prayers... if it was meant to be... I hope you have some good food stashed away. I agree with Lemon Stand!

Posted by: vw bug at October 05, 2007 12:34 PM (FPOeI)

3 ooooh!

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at October 05, 2007 12:45 PM (+MvHD)

4 All I want to know is does he have a brother?

Posted by: Lisa at October 05, 2007 01:30 PM (y9UuV)

5 OMG, I could comment again? It almost seems too good to be true. So does that story...tell me you got his digits. Please.

Posted by: Erica at October 05, 2007 05:27 PM (QPJM+)

6 wow...sounds like the beginning of a romantic movie with a happy ending. Good luck!

Posted by: Jean at October 06, 2007 02:35 PM (AiJXe)

7 Best of luck...guys with green eyes are so sexy.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at October 06, 2007 09:21 PM (oHNtt)

8 and...? Seriously, that's NOT a stopping point for a story like that :-)

Posted by: Harvey at October 08, 2007 06:05 AM (L7a63)

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For the past 48 hrs. I've been writing little notes, leaving text or voice mail messages, letting some of the incredible people in my life know that I care about them and that they are much loved. In return I have received a number of requests (a total of 5 in the last 48hrs) from my guys (deployed soldiers I correspond with) who have asked me for help in writing to their wives/girlfriends/loves, letting them know they are loved. They are looking for the perfect letter. I was hoping my previous post in which Daz'd wrote a poem to his wife would be enough. But they don't want poetry because it's not them.

When I wrote back to the first few, they essentially replied they needed "a sample" or something to go on for inspiration, because love letters were "out of their area of expertise". Hmmmm, I know what that feels like, when you struggle to say the right thing to someone not knowing if you've said it well because your emotions are all jammed up inside.

Sooooo, I'm thinking this is a post my wonderful male readers can help with. If you don't want to be recognized you can send an email to: lettersfromnyc [at] yahoo [dot] com with your "sample" note or letter. It will not only help these men, it will also counter some of the negative vibes the cynics of the blogosphere have been spreading. So, I hope you help your fellow man and guide these young ones in the way of love, and in so doing show women out there that some of you know how to sweep a lady off her feet when you put your mind to it!

I asked one of my incredibly talented and most wonderful blog brother Jon, to help some of these men out. Here's what he contributed:

Thanks for the chance to help, the chance to create. - Jon

The love I feel for you exceeds words. I say "I love you" each time I hug you, each time we kiss, each time I touch your hand. I think of your love during my most difficult times. Your support - your love - renews my strength and helps me get my work done. There is a special strength I gain when I think of how much love we share. Many times I want to hurry and finish what I am doing so that I can return to you. When a soft ray of light touches my skin, I often feel it is your touch, even when we are far apart.

When I smell your perfume, I am transported to those special times we've shared. Holding you is like being wrapped in a warm blanket - so soft and comforting. When I wear things you have given me, I recall the moment of joy when we first touched. Each of these feelings is permanent in my heart. These memories are etched in my mind as solid as carvings in stone. My love for you will always be strong. The time we have spent together is but a small down payment on the time I wish we could share.

I am so very blessed to have your love. I feel as if God had selected an angel to love me. When my faith falters, a simple reminder of your love restores everything. At moments when I question, your love removes any doubt. Knowing that you - My Angel - are watching for me, waiting for me, loving me - that boosts my spirit. In those moments when I pray, all of those prayers include thanking God for you in my life. From the moment I say "Amen", I feel the strength of your love in me, helping me up, keeping me going. With your love, I have an unshakable faith.

Without your love, I would be hollow. Not only do you fill me, your love causes an overflow within my heart. I do not cry because of our love - I shout, I do little dances in private, I smile and laugh for reasons only we understand. I cannot say how much I love you because it is beyond what words can express. Only my actions can show you the depth of my love for you, and as you will see through the years, my love for you is without end. Without your love, I would not be me.

How much do I love you?
How much does a flower love the sun? How much does a singer love the song? How much does the painter love the brush? How much does the driver love the open road? How much does the pilot love the take-off? How much does the eagle love the wind? How much does the tree love the earth?
There is no limit to my love for you. It is the ultimate question - it can only be answered by another question.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, for those of you who want to be a little more naughty, you can visit Harvey's treasure trove of Daily Love Notes for inspiration or out right swipping. Please feel free to contribute your own notes to help others. THANKS!

Update: The submission below was contributed by Laughing Wolf.

You complete me. Though the distance is long, you are here with me, a vital part of me. Your love is a warmth that surrounds me, your laughter brings a smile to my lips, your eyes are a memory into which I sink each night, and the silk of your touch is a comfort from within when things are rough. The distance is long, but to spirit and mind it is as if you are here. Memories of you fill my thoughts, your love my heart, and your strength and support surround me each day. Know that you are in my thoughts this day and every day, and
that I send my love to warm you and surround you every day.

Posted by: Michele at 11:12 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 1070 words, total size 6 kb.

I have always either sent cards, left messages or written letters to the wonderful people in my life on this day. I stopped after 9/11 because it was hard to love anything or anyone, including myself, after so much loss. But I am luckier than most, because I got to tell and show my friends, how much I really loved them while they were alive. I also had many opportunities where I got to hear/see from them, how much they loved me back.

On the morning of 9/11 a work colleague who was trapped in the towers called me (because she couldn’t get through to her family) and asked that I call her mother and her husband to tell what she never got to say because she was self-conscious, that she loved them. That stunned me. It still does. It stuns me to think that these people would finally learn that she loved them through a stranger. Those 3 words can make such a huge impact and difference in another person’s life. It did in that mother’s life, for her daughter had never said it to her. Why do we miss opportunities like this (even silly ones like Valentines Day) to tell the people that matter most to us, how much they are loved and what they mean to us. It doesn’t take elaborate planning, it doesn’t take gifts, it only takes a moment of looking into someone’s eyes or writing words in either a text message or a yellow sticky note and putting it inside the fridge, for them to know that they matter and they have a place in your heart. The best test is to ask yourself: “if they were gone at this moment, would they know how much you loved them? When was the last time you told those special people, that you love them and appreciate them being in your life? Well, carpe diem my friend! It is better for them to have known they were loved than never to have known at all.

For those who are looking for my traditional artistic expression of love, I ask that you visit Dazd & Confuzed. He does this day justice.

Hoping you all have day full of love and joy.

Posted by: Michele at 01:54 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I want to thank you all for the kind and supportive messages you left and emailed. Your words are a healing balm for my soul.

more...

Posted by: Michele at 09:50 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Five years ago I participated in my first 10k race on Labor Day. It was also my first major practice with Tom, the running buddy assigned to me by The Achilles Track Team, whom I was to spot for. Tom was blind, and like me loved running, even though we weren't very fast. He had trained me on how to run tethered to him and also taught me how to listen to his breathing as a way to know how he was doing in a run without asking and wasting precious energy and time. Tom explained it was the best way to identify the first signs of trouble. That Labor Day, all my friends were there to cheer me on. It had been a high point for all of us, because we were all finally ready to compete in the NYC Marathon that fall.

I used that listening technique many times when running with my best friends. It really gave me insight into how they were feeling during a run. For years we had worked out together, but our running together gave us a closeness and a feel for each other that was uncanny. For the first time few words needed to be exchanged between us.

The morning after Labor Day we were all supposed to meet early at the gym to do a quick 5 mile run along the Batter Park City Waterfront that goes past the World Trade Center, but my plans changed.

When Mike called me later that morning he was on the 72nd floor of the North Tower. I had been on the phone with him for about 15 min. let him know what was going on with the South Tower when Larry called and asked me to conference him in on the call. We'd done that a thousand times on Fridays or Saturday afternoons when no one could agree on what we were doing that evening. This time it was for a different reason.

The FDNY radios were not functioning properly and it was total chaos inside the towers, so this time I was conferencing them in so they could communicate with each other. I listened silently and stood by as I'd done countless times during impromptu rescues. That day my role was once again as witness and bystander, but I was to be a messenger also. I interrupted only once to let them know the Pentagon had been hit and we all grew silent as their suspicions were now confirmed - we were under attack. Knowing they had walked into a "tinder box" they gave me messages and information for their families in the event they didn't make it out alive.

While Mike and Larry spoke, I heard their labored breathing from the strain of heavy equipment and acrid smoke getting through their masks. They continued going up the narrow smoke filled staircases in full gear, in spite of the rising temperatures and enveloping darkness. Hearing the loud creaks from the straining weight of the floors above, I began to panic. I broke in, calling out Mike's name. We'd known each other for so long that he knew what I was about to say, to ask of him.

"Don't say it, Michele. I know what you're going to ask, and you know we can't turn back now. So I clutched my cell phone, closed my eyes, and hung my head in prayer. A few times I bit down hard on my lips knowing that anything I said or any sound I made would only distract them and force them to talk and waste precious oxygen.

So instead, I listened... silently and intently, as Larry & MIke communicated with each other in quick short words. I listened as they gave commands to civilians on what to do. I listened as they reassured people that were frightened and choking on acrid smoke, that they would be fine as long they continued going down. I listened as they continued to climb through the thick dense darkness that enveloped them, and grew hotter and more difficult with each step they took. And in my silence, with my closed eyes, I had been with them as I had many times before, and was privy once again to the sounds of their breaths.

As the creaking sounds grew louder, everyone came to a standstill and their voices became quieter. I held my breath, as I listened to Mike and Larry's labored breathing. Everyone had stopped to listen to the sounds above them. Mike and Larry remained quiet even as the rumble of thunder from the upper floors began giving way. There was no panic, no screams, no frantic yells for help; there was only Mike's voice whispering a "Dear God" before the sounds of loud crashing ended in an abysmal silence that reverberates in my soul to this day.

It's taken a long time for me to break that silence. It's still not easy to write about it. And I still can't about it. But for some time now, this blog has helped me utter the first innermost sounds since that day. I remain hopeful that someday I'll be able to find my full voice again. Till that happens, these small whispers of pain will have to be the small breaths that open a closed soul to let the airy light in.

Posted by: Michele at 12:29 PM | Comments (34) | Add Comment
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A poem inspired by a long email and an even longer phone conversation on her dating woes and tales of unrequited love.

Many sad tears fall,
as the ethereal evaporates
into the thinness that was before.

Illusions, dreams, and hopes,
all leave as quickly as they came
with the same unabashed desire
that came knocking at my heart.

All are gone now, with a quiet whisper.
All are gone now, to return no more.

I only have one phrase of comfort for her: it is better to have known love and loss, than never to have known true love at all.

Posted by: Michele at 02:24 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Posted by: Michele at 12:10 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break.
I had lost all of my belief, you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me, now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I... don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt my lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe in me

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me, now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I.... don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.
--- Lyrics by Seal /Feb. 2004

Posted by: Michele at 03:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Frank of IMAO and Sarah of Mountaineer Musings, have officially declared their love for each other by becoming engaged. I must be the only one not surprised by what I thought was a wonderful natural course of events. From reading their websites on an occasional basis I could tell how much love they have for each other.

My dear Blog Father wrote 2 wonderful posts (Free Advice and Helpful Wedding Advice) in an attempt to enlighten and prepare the happy couple. I read some of the comments that were left (some are very funny), and thought about what they need to guard against. It is something that is not easily noticed, the slow and almost imperceptible death of a relationship. Here's my humble experience on the sign posts and how to avoid them once you spot them.

more...

Posted by: Michele at 12:16 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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If I could dream a dream,
it would be a dream of love;
where soft caresses and sweet words
would be a blessing from above.

If I could dream a dream of love,
it would be of love eternal;
with a man who looking in my eyes
holds my heart and sees my soul.

If I could dream of such love,
it would be for life eternal;
where nothing in this frightful world
could tear this love from up above.
-- Anonymous

Posted by: Michele at 12:56 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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In response to my previous post, my blog brother Eric of Straight White Guy, responded by reminding me of an old C. S. Lewis quote: "To love is to be vulnerable." Thanks Bro, for the encouragement and inspiration.

UPDATE: My blog Dad, Harvey of Bad Example, shares about what it was like to find, lose and reclaim his wonderful, first and, only true love of his life. Laughing Wolf has two posts. This post is an extraordinary tale of how love led him to become the man he is today. His 2nd post is about how true love is about the experience of loving and receiving rather than loosing.

I see that he and I share similar philosophies of love, for no matter what has happened in love, I have become a better and stronger person for it. Sometimes the pain might get in the way of that lesson, but in retrospect, I see that I am better for having loved.

Acidman and Jerry of Stuff About were wonderful enough to share memories of their first loves.

Those of you who have emailed me your love stories (for my eyes only), thank you. They made me laugh and one in particular touched my heart and almost made me cry. For those who still want to write about their First Love, please do so as I'd love to read your story.

In the last 4 years I've experienced a great deal of loss. Loss that for a long time I thought was too insurmountable for me to even consider being social again. During that time I retreated from the world to a place of silence and memories. I needed to be there in order to grieve and heal. Today I find myself in a better place. A place of hope, where I feel ready to open up my heart and allow people to enter it once again.

Thanks for showing me that you have loved, lost and have been able to love again.

Posted by: Michele at 09:48 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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In an effort to maintain the mood or essense of love we created in our lives last week, I would like to open the comments section or to get linkbacks to the memories of our first loves. I'll post mine in an update later.

Over a week ago, Christina of Feisty Repartee challenged men to share how they express(ed) their love to the possesor of their affections. True to form, Eric, That1Guy, Mr. Helpful, and Acidman shared in their posts, how men can express love with depth and affection. They were truly inspiring and evoked memories of my first love. This made me wonder: What was it about their first true love that made them fall in love and whether their love was reciprocated or not. I also wondered how that love has impacted their love life in the present.

I call on my cyber friends and family to help inspire me to be hopeful about love again by kindling that little spark of love in all of us through the sharing of our stories. more...

Posted by: Michele at 11:30 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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