To: Mike, Jack, Tony, Larry, Amy, Rick & Nancy

My dear loved ones,

It's soon to be Memorial Day, our most favorite holiday. I know that I used to love Memorial Day because it ushered in our summer antics. Later, through Mike and Rick's stories, I grew to understand that Memorial Day was a day to honor and celebrate those who served our country and who lost their lives doing so. When thinking about this day during these past few weeks, I've experienced an ebb and flow of unrestrained emotion that has been a long time coming. And in the process of it all I've missed you all so much more these past 2 years.

It all started just over 2 months ago with Mike's birthday. For me, Mike's birthday always marks the round of subsequent birthdays, anniversaries or important milestones in our lives that we all celebrated. Now it's a reminder of what will not be. Sighhhhhhhh!

Every morning for the past few weeks on my way to work, I've begun shedding tears. Whether reading the newspaper or writing to a new friend stationed at the front, there have been tears to be shed over memories long past. Tears, for moments left unexplored. and events that will never be. My grief, though late in coming, has begun to show it's ugly head. I fear it's arrival, for when it comes full force, it my stop the flow of my voice and my writing.

I think what has begun to hurt the most has been remembering the phone calls I received the morning of 9/11. Jack, Tony and Lisa's calls are still with me till this day, replaying every so often as I wistfullly look downtown through my window. That window is the only connection I have with all of you of that morning.

For a long time after you all left, I was devoid of feeling. I remember sitting at our favorite restaurant the day after, waiting to meet Lisa while still numb and in shock. As I sat there, I kept half expecting you and half hoping one of you would show up from behind me, all dusty, having freshly escaped your mausoleum. I was suspended in mid air, waiting for gravity to kick in. That is I waited until just recently.

What I remember about the day after, was the deafening silence. No conversation, no jokes, no tears, and no communication. There was no TV as all the network signal antennas were atop towers 1 & 2, and no sound of cell phones.

Each night I returned home hoping to hear from one of you. I wanted to call, but with the fall of the towers all the lines were down. Knowing how fiercely independent you all were, I kept believing that if you survived you would be right down there helping in the rescue effort yourselves. So night after night, I curled up in bed with the phone next to me. Each night I hoped against what was reported, that no survivors were being found. Each night I prayed that somehow a miracle would happen. For many days I went on thinking that I would wake up from this dream state, and everything would be just as it was before my nightmare began. When I slowly began to realize you guys might not be coming home, I prayed for harder.

My miracle never came.

Now all I have left of you are remnants of tangible object. Your voices have long since been erased by new and improved technology that was installed after 9/11. Your birthday and christmas cards and gifts are all that remain. Just yesterday I was finally putting away my winter clothes and came across Mike's blue v-neck wool sweater I borrowed on a cold day when we went away for our ski weekend that last winter. I lovingly held it in my arms trying to conjure memories of Mike back, and with him all of you.

You were all such an integral part of my life, and are missed greatly! I'm truly thankful that we lived and shared, as if each gathering would be our last. There were never any unspoken truths or emotions held back. Our love for honesty and for each other made that impossible.

Although I miss you all more than words can say, I know that you are all in a wonderful peaceful place, smiling and watching over me from heaven.

Mike, I want to thank you for staying with me and recently finding new people to inspire me the way you did. You always said that replacing you would take the 3 people. Well, I see you're proving your point now. You've given me one friend that has helped inspire my writing again. Another that has inspired my love of working out again. Yes, I've got a ways to go before that marathon we were supposed to run, but as you always said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with that first step". You've given me a third, who has basically had his family adopt me, very much like you did when our friendship first started.

All of them are incredible individuals and greatly admired by their men, much like you were. They, like you once did, serve our country, working hard every day to protect my way of life and the principles our constitution guarantees.

Mike, you've been looking out for me, just as you did when you were on earth. I remember when I went to live overseas and I admitted to you that I was a bit scared about my new life, and with everyone being so far away. You said to me, "nothing really has changed, other than you'll be in a new location. You'll be just a little farther away from us, so it'll be a bit harder to have dinner together, but we'll still call and email like we do now."

Well, although you're a little further away now, than I was, and you can't email or call, I am grateful that I still feel you with me from time to time, cheering me on when I'm moving forward, and nagging my mind when I'm not my happy self.

I'm glad that you dispatched the rest of the gang to The Front, to watch over these incredible special guys you've put in my life. They are the ones helping me bridge the chasm of death, and slowly bringing me back to life.

Thank you, my dear and beloved friends. On this Memorial Day I salute you all. On Sunday, I will place a wreath in the Hudson River in memory of those fallen, both for your past service to this country, and for the legacy you left in those you touched: a love of country and service to it.

As usual, I'll be going to Veniero's for a slice of cake to celebrate Rick's birthday. Know that I'm sending you promises of writing soon, with big bear hugs and sandwich kisses to keep you in love until we're all together once again. Till then, I'll leave you with the same words I used to say whenever we said goodbye,

: ) Miss you already!

(Originally Posted on Blogspot on 5-21-2004)

Posted by: Michele at 08:17 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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