October 18, 2007
At the end of a most wonderful phone conversation he finally said to me: So how soon can I hear from you again?"
Ms. Sophisticated Urbane Chic (me) answered "Uhhhhhhm, I don't know." Why did I say such a stupid thing? ‘Cause I was truly puzzled and when that happens my mind starts racing. That's when the barrage of questions from my inner demons residing in my head began, "You know, I'm not really clear on what he means" and in the background I hear his wonderful sexy voice protesting my "I don't know."
“Oh, I see how it is… [he says in a disappointed frustrated voice] I’ve been away in China on business for almost 10 days, in which I didn’t call because of the 12hr time difference, and as a result I'm now relegated to the backburner of your life, while you play it cool. I see how it is.”
My inner demons were screaming at me, the arrogant evil one thought, "good let him sweat it out for awhile for not calling". The nicer demon screamed “Noooooooo, wait, that’s not what you meant, talk to him…. NOW dammit!!! Tell him the truth. Tell him that you’ve missed him, but didn’t call sooner because he hadn’t responded to your last email. Tell him you thought he was busy and...”
“AHHHH, STOP!!!“ I shouted to myself in my head as I pressed the palms of my head against my forward to try and stop the chatter and my impending headache. The voices subsided long enough for me to respond to SAM, who had been quietly protesting all the while through the telephone. When I spoke, all I was finally able to say was, “Its your turn next.”
"What?!!" I thought to myself. All I remember from him was silence. While within me raged a second storm between my twin demons who were by now vying intenselfy for supremacy, so ttheir message could get out first. The nice demon said: “Tell him you DO want to talk with him… often, but just don’t know how often and how long, or what happens if he calls and you're not in the mood. Or what if you're PMS, Lord, that’s never a good time to talk with you, EVER!.” I swear, for once in my life I was rolling my eyes at myself. I was so grateful he wasn't standing before me. My internal dialogue continued going in all different directions, my feelings were being crowded out by my demon twins [I'm a true gemini after all].
My evil demon shouted, saying, “Wait A minute... you’ve emailed, you’ve called… you’re not the only one who should be doing the heavy lifting here. He has to show he truly cares about this relationship too, otherwise you’re giving too much of yourself, and then it becomes one-sided when it should be an equal effort… a give and take, a partnership. This is when they show you if they can be a truly giving and caring friend, 'cause if that's too much to handle, then they'll be coming up short with everything else every time and then it'll be too late to realize you're just been wasting your time.” Since the argument sounded reasonable, I let my last statement stand.
We talked for a bit more about other things, I donÂ’t remember how the call ended exactly, it was late and I hadnÂ’t slept well in a week, so I knew to quit while ahead.
And since I wasnÂ’t able to sleep yet again, in the wee hours of the morning I wondered if this is as hard for him, as it is for me. How on earth do we get past the inner demons and the fears to be able to speak from our hearts. Is it just as hard for him to tell me what he wants or needs from me, as it is for me. But the truth is that somehow we are managing to go over those spped bumps called fears, that temporarily slow us down long enough for us to take stock on how things are going on this wonderful journey. The good thing is that those bumps serve as a way to learn how to first and foremost be friends, so that we can learn how to be incredible lovers afterwards. I wonder if he's even aware how my stammering and stumbling of words is something that happens only when I talk with him.
Because if it hadn’t been that hard for me, I would have simply said, “You know what, I’ve missed you this past week. I've missed your sense of humor, your incredible sexy voice; I've missed the sharing of our week with each other... I always love hearing from you... in any form. So write when you want to write, even if its just to say hi and to let me know you're busy. Call when you feel like calling. And if we can talk, we’ll talk and If we can’t… well, then we’ll figure something out when we get there. You just tell me what you're comfortable with, then do what you're comfortable with, and I'll do the same, and we'll just go from there. How does that sound?”
One thing's for sure, next time I'll make sure I have plenty of sleep before we talk. I think the call would have gone a lot differently had I slept more than 16 hrs in in the last 5 days.
Hmmmm, I wonder if anyone has figured out how we can do do-overs in relationships. Any suggestions?
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July 14, 2007
As for me, I'm currently back in physical therapy almost 2 hrs per day, in order to finish the rehab on my knee and move back into the gym. Wooohoooo! At the same time I'm busy going through an intensive professional development course which is FRIEKIN AWESOME! Of course the goal-setting workshop kicked my butt this week because I didn’t anticipate that we would be taking THREE DAYS to plan everything I want to achieve in my professional life for the next TWENTY YEARS. Now please understand, I’m psyched about this because these are all my professional hopes and dreams for the next 20 years. And folks, I went out there and dared to dream! This guy is so good I decided to take and pay for a personal development class with him. Unfortunately, I didn’t know it at the time of signing up, but the classes overlap for about 2 weeks. At first the overachiever in me thought: “ahh, I’ll be able to manage.” Now, I’m not so sure I can do both classes justice. All I can do is try because I really want to take these 2 courses now. This guy isn’t always in NYC and the timing for these courses in my life is perfect.
You see IÂ’ve always had a lot of dreams. When I was 25 and diagnosed with cancer the first time around I made a list of the top 50 things I wanted to accomplish in my life. The first 10 or most important to me I decided to accomplish prior to starting chemo. In fact I deferred chemo for 6 weeks because I wanted to have something to think about and feel good about during the throwing up, loosing my hair, not wanting to continue days. Those 10 things were my carrots that dangled before my eyes for my future life.
By age 35 I had accomplished 48 of the 50 goals. When I was 40 I completed the list. This past year, when I was diagnosed with skin cancer in April ‘07, I quickly did a top 10 list of things I wanted to see, do, have, or create in the following year. It was tough at times, especially after my knee injury, but I forged ahead and I recently accomplished my 10th! Wooohoooo! So I knew I needed a new set of goals (or dreams with deadlines) that I wanted to accomplish. And this instructor, well, he dares me not only to dream, but to dream like I’ve never dreamed before. He asks me to visualize my dreams and to see me accomplishing them, with no impediments in my way. There’s more, and the course is a lot more intense, but that is just plain awesome. No one has ever dared me to dream and aim way high! High enough to reach the sky. No one! And so he has shown me that my track record of accomplishing my small dreams are proof that I cannot only dream big, but that I can find ways to accomplish the big dreams too. Which means me eventually leaving NYC (you know I’ve kidded about this before but it’s a dream of mine) and finding a wonderful community to live and work, where I can raise my son to be a happy values oriented kid. Woohooo! Can you tell I’m psyched?
So IÂ’m looking at a schedule that looks a little bit like this:
5:30am – 7:00am – Physical Therapy at home
7:00am – 8:00am – Breakfast (pack lunch) get son and I ready for our days
8:00am – 9:00am – Travel to drop off son at camp/continue on to work
9:00am – 10:00am – Get as much stuff done as possible before Prof. Dev. Class
10:00am – 11:00am – Professional Development Class
11:00am – 4:45pm – Work \hard to get all issues resolved & squeeze in 20 min of PT
4:45pm – 7:00pm – Travel to and take classes then take a cab home
7:15pm – 8:30pm – Catch up w/son, spend time together & get him ready for bed
8:30pm – 9:30pm – House work, meal prep for bkfast, lunch & dinner as I eat dinner
9:30am – 1:30am – Do homeowork for class, shower and crash in my bed
In order to achieve this IÂ’ve had to adjust my nutrition and increase protein, calcium, etc. to support the extra activity. So far so good, IÂ’ve been on this schedule for 2 weeks now and itÂ’s held up well. The truth is IÂ’ve not slept this good, been this driven, nor been this excited about life since before 9/11 and my beloved friends and I were all training for the NYC Marathon.
To what do I attribute all this change to? Your total steadfast support, your unconditional love and you guys cheering for me until I was able to once again cheer for myself and cheer you guys on right back. You have helped me heal in ways I never thought were possible. And the most awesome part of this process is that I am a better person than I was prior to 9/11. God bless you all for being such an integral catalyst in my growth and I promise to be back as soon as IÂ’m done!
Oh one of my personal goals that I intend to put down on my list and accomplish over the next 3 years is to attend at least 1 blog meet and make a few personal visits to some awesome bloggers out there. So, look out! I just may be headed your way by the end of the summer!
BTW, comments are still closed 'cause in this kingdom I choose not to deal with scum of the earth spammers. But thank you for stopping bye, for your incredible support and for sticking by me through the quiet blogless periods.
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June 23, 2007
There are times in my life when the demands on me are great and I must turn inward, towards my spiritual reserve, in order to deal with all my challenges. One of the things that help during those times is freeing myself of unnessary obligations before they feel like or become burdens. To that end, I'm going to take a little time off from blogging while I deal with my son's impending surgery and recovery, deal with the peak busy period at work, and some other projects I have committed to. I really expect to have them all completed and be free once again to write and enjoy the rest of my summer by the end of July, so it will only be a small break.
I don't know how much time that'a all going to take, but rest assured that while my energies will be focused on my son and I, I will be visiting you and commenting when I can. I do so enjoy the entertainment and company you provide. And I want to say thank you for the friendship you've extended.
During this time I'll be closing comments, so I don't have to deal w/the scum of the earth that are spammers. May you all have a wonderful and blessed summer. I leave you with a breathtaking piece of music that I simply haven't been able to get out of my soul since I first heard it a few days ago.
To my male readers and the non-romantics, I'm sorry: simply listen to the music while browsing elsewhere. Update: The composer of this beautiful piece and for the entire North & South mini-series is Martin Phipps.
Thank you so much for visiting.
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June 10, 2007
It's my first bout with a stomach problem this summer. As a vegetarian, who has not eaten any meat for over 20 yrs., cross-contamination is usually the cause of my stomach ailments each summer. For most vegetarians its usually not a problem. For me however, that's not the case because my body has an inability to break down meat or its by products and as a result I get very sick to my stomach. In other words, if someone uses a knife or a cutting board to cut raw meat and then without cleaning it properly uses the same knife or cutting board to cut veggies, for lets say a salad, then as a vegetarian I'm screwed, becuase I'll definitely get sick. That's one of the reasons I eat mostly Kosher foods or very nice restaurants. Kosher laws forbid cross-contamination and usually Kosher restaurants have 2 separate kitchens for cooking this very reason.
In this case, the culprit were beautifully designed, very expensive cupcakes from a 4 star, Martha Stewart sanctioned place. Hell, my cupcakes taste better! A dozen cupcakes meant that 12 of us got sick.
I haven't been this sick since this time last year. 48 hrs and counting. Music is helping me get through this. Will resurface when I feel my old self again.
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May 25, 2007
I'll be back Monday. Till then may you all have a wonderful, safe and fun weekend.
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May 12, 2007
Yes folks, if you are an allergy sufferer OR are prone to alergy-related asthma attacks then the next 4 days are days for those near me to stay indoors, with windows closed and the AC on.
To check the pollen (type & count) level in your click through the image to go to pollen.com. This incredible little service of free emailed pollen alerts have kept me and my son asthma free and our allergies (itchy-watery eyes, sneezing, coughping, itchy face, etc.) under control for the past 3 years. I highly reccomend them.
This is a portion of the kind of personalized report you'll get:
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April 24, 2007
This past weekend was absolutely wonderful, 'cause we watched/listened to a great Mets game, followed by a frustrating Yankee game, which was then followed by an intense Redwings game and topped off by a Nascar race. That evening, while saying his prayers, he thanked God for an incredibly fun day where he not only got to see all his favorite cartoons, but all his favorite sports too.
He's so excited about the prospect of a repeat this coming weekend, that he's already completed all his weekend homework assignments (a book report and a research paper) and started on his chores. He also offered to bribe me but not collecting his allowance but $2.00 doesn't go very far with me these days.
Now I ask you... as strict as I am about the amount of tv my son watches, how can I deny an A+ student who has wonderful manners and good behavior his one day a week of being a sports junkie? I'm torn I tell you, torn! And that folks is a welcome quandry for a change.
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April 16, 2007
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March 17, 2007
more...
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February 09, 2007
First of all, let me just say that I was not the only one impressed with Michele dress, women were stopping her to complement her and ask who the designer was. She of course would tell them it was an unknown designer named Misha, the inside joke being that she used her nickname, since she was the one who designed it and had it made. Even though she was a bit under the weather, she was still charming, funny and was incredibly relaxed even though she was going to be speaking to over 500 people.
As for her speechÂ… she blew everyone, including me, away. And she did it from an outline folks. That's it! I have to admit, I was nervous because up until the event Michele had refused to rehearse her speech in front of me saying it would spoil the effect. As the event chairman, my reputation was on the line, but having had the opportunity to see her at work I knew she would be a good speaker. You see, sheÂ’s not one of those women who prattles on. She thinks about what sheÂ’s going to say and then she says it, quietly, nicely but directly. Well, IÂ’m glad I waited because she wouldnÂ’t have done it justice otherwise. It was a multi-media artistic presentation that incorporated sound (in the form of music and poetry) and visuals (in the form of still pictures & video) arranged in such a way that it engaged, attracted and captured everyoneÂ’s attention and imagination. In her speech she drew on her experience as a cancer and 9/11 survivor and how she has used the Fine and Media Arts in her healing. The thing that was most amazing is she didnÂ’t just share her experience, she showed us what has inspired her by sharing some of her favorite images, music and words.
She received a well deserved standing ovation as her last song played in the background. The standing ovation was a first in the history of that event. As the crowd continued to clap Michele simply smiled, blushed quite a bit, and simply clasped her hands together as if in prayer while slightly bowing in different directions to thank the crowd.
As she made her way back to our table she kept getting stopped by people who wanted to talk with her and express their appreciation for her presentation. At one point she looked at me with pleading eyes and I knew it was time for her to be rescued from the maddening crowd. Even while sitting at our table there was a line of people who wanted to speak with her about the music, the visual, or her speech.
By the end of the night she had been approached by a television producer, a radio programming executive, and a screen writer/director, all who were interested in her life story and who wanted to talk to her about how to develop it for television.
What was MicheleÂ’s response to all this attention? She thanked them, let them know that at present she was only focusing on her health and asked for their business cards so she could get in touch with them when the time was right. I was truly stunned! Anybody else, I even, would have immediately scheduled lunch with each one of them. I must say, I was terribly disappointed that she didnÂ’t.
This morning when I asked Michele why she didn’t even consider one of the offers, her response was: “I don’t want someone else interpreting or contriving my life to make it more appealing for the tv screen. I like my anonymous life. I had my 15 min of fame in my youth and hated the scrutiny. It’s now someone else’s turn. There are families who lose their loved ones in service to our country and go unnoticed for their sacrifice, as far as I’m concerned they are more deserving than I. They are true profiles of courage.”
And when she puts it that way, I dare say sheÂ’s right.
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I was forced to post this because Colin forgot his password.
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January 20, 2007
She was staring out the window and looking up at the night sky, when she noticed me staring and turned to look at me for a moment: “What have you been thinking about all this time?” I finally asked her as I glanced at the newspaper.
“Nothing really” she replied and turned to look back out the window. After a long pause, in which I read an entire article, she asked, “Have you ever read Ayn Rand or Robert Heinlein?”
“No, but I have heard of them.” I stared at her thoughtfully for awhile. “I was just wondering… is this what married life is like.” She looked at me intently for a moment, almost as if to read me.
“Well, that depends on what you’re feeling at this moment?”
After considering a bit, I shared: “comfortable, serene, relaxed.”
After a deep reflective sigh, and with a tone of real honesty, almost wistfully, she said “Imagine those feelings, along with contentedness and an abiding love and you have the feelings of someone who is happily married.” After making sure I understood, she settled back into a quiet reverie of years gone past and didn’t speak again until I left.
Though she is still mourning, she is now in a place of acceptance and simply learning to live with the loss. Sometimes I am blown away by her resilience, conviction and strength. It almost makes me feel self-conscious and somewhat ashamed that I tried to play her once.
Last month, during lunch she said to me that I needed to learn more about women in order to respect them as people so that I could eventually have a successful relationship with one. As I check in on her I canÂ’t help but think how right she was and how this is all part of learning that life lesson.
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January 18, 2007
Right now I'm just at stage 1 of loss: experiencing the feelings of overwhelming grief, from simultaneous losses (one was an old friend and neighbor of 20 yrs), which overwhelmed me all at once. I have been here once before... after 9/11.
This time as things began accumulating recently: enduring my skin cancer treatment this past year, the beach rescue that turned badly in early fall, the leg injury after thanksgiving which then brought back my carpel tunnelÂ…; well, they were compounded by the news that my momÂ’s cancer treatment is not going well and sheÂ’s going blind, and 2 very recent losses of good friends who will be dearly missed. It was multiple straws that broke my emotional back.
There's always stuff going on in my life that I never talk about because: a) I'm not a whiner... I know that most situations are simply temporary life hurdles to get through. I am a very reserved individual who processes things by thinking thoroughly, feeling deeply and working through things by writing stories, letters, posts and in my journals; b) IÂ’m accepting of many things because I know, in the end, my faith will carry me through everything; c) Oftentimes, I just need to process my feelings quietly first, so I can then be level-headed in planning out my actions and executing solutions. That always entails quiet reflection, definitely some prayer time and writing, and on occasion tears, when loss is involved. Since my hands were hurting I couldn't write. My spirit was too low to speak to anyone on the phone, my body was in great pain from physical therapy and my injury, so I reached a breaking point by the time I received the news of my mom and the losses of good friends.
Colin is a caring, funny and sometimes an exasperating work colleague (if you remember some of his posts you know what I mean), who doesn't know the personal side of me yet, because we've only recently begun to hang out, so he didn't know what was going on. Thanks to those who emailed him and enlightened him on Michele. He shared those emails with me and they touched me deeply. It seems some people who have been reading since the beginning do understand me. They knew I was too over-whelmed to clue him in when he showed up at my door on Sunday. My grieving process is always handled in private and within the confines of my home.
In this instance, I was just tired of enduring so much pain and loss in my life in this past year, especially as I approached the 1st anniversary of my best friend's death. So yes, I took the opportunity, while my son was at a sleepover during that weekend (a true blessing) to allow myself a mini-meltdown. Normally, some people overwhelmed with grief drink, they yell at people, or take it out on others. Me, I just wait for the best moment I can deal with my feelings and then let myself feel all of the pain of my losses, because I have no time and no strength to carry excess baggage around with me. So I deal by feeling everything all at once when I'm able to. It allows me to bounce back and be there for my responsibilities and my son sooner than trying to suppress the hurt while living my daily life. Lying on the grave was a fetal position moment that just couldn't wait any longer. I just wanted and needed to be close to my friends and feel their loving embrace and re-assurance. By lying on the grave it was as close to them as I could come in a moment in which I greatly missed them, needed to talk to them and wanted desperately to get one of their awesome loving hugs. See, if Colin had known me, as my friends did, he would have known that I was wearing my waterproof hiking gear. They would have known that I just needed to cry my heart out dry and would have let me do so.
After 9/11, Hook instictively understood that on some level and published my letters in which I finally shared how a survivor of an attack felt and how one finds their way back to the light after loss. In doing so, he helped my healing process by giving my pain and thoughts a forum. By giving voice to my words in print he guided me to the wonderful power of healing through writing. Through his kind act I learned that I would eventually be okay. Now I know that with time, God and through my writing l will once again heal my wounds.
I don't know if any of this is making any sense, but that's what was going on. When I visit their graves in the summer I sometimes sit down and have a picnic or just lay down and talk to or pray with them. As C. S. Lewis once said, when he was seen doing the same at his wife's grave: "Their spirits may not be there, it many not do a thing for their souls, but it certainly makes me feel a heck of a whole lot better."
As time passes, and grief is processed I'll move on to stage 2: acceptance. In the meantime, I'll live in appreciation for the wonderful gifts of friendship and love I received while they were in my life, and though I will miss their presence terribly, IÂ’ll have wonderful moments of bliss that I can recall.
I have not yet told my son of my neighbor/his surrogate grandfather's passing, he's currently dealing with the flu so I decided to wait, like the coward that I am. That's the only thing I'm not good at, is telling him about death. When his fishes died several years ago, some of you may recall how I told him they went on vacation to Florida to visit family. When we were planning for our Disney vacation this past August he insisted on visiting his fish to try and talk them into coming home. Sweet I know, but do you think I told the truth. I started to, but caved in at the sight of quivering lips. But this time I have no choice but to share the sad news and help him through his own grief. My neighbor was a wonderful caring grand-father figure that was teaching my son different languages, music and art. He was a sculptor and an artist. Recently I had been enjoying tea time with him in the afternoons. What I will miss the most is being able to share the little simple things that I used to come across and read and our discussions about art, literature and politics. I was so looking forward to our discussion on Heinlein and Rand this coming week and on Tocqueville the week after.
So there you have it. All of it. I have not yet lost my mind, though I'm sure a few people thought I did. Thanks to those of you who sent messages of support. Just know that you helped to ease my grieving process by being with me in spirit. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know when I’ll write again. Just know during my quiet moments that I’m doing my best to heal. In the meantime, what’s come of all this is local bloggers extending themselves to me and inviting me to “meet-up” in the Summer. There’s a Renaissance Festival in Troy, NY and Celtic Festival in CT where a few bloggers will get together. Which is nice, I have something fun to work towards and look forward to for when this dark cloud lifts and my leg heals. I did need something to gear my healing towards in the near future and an invitation to a dinner/dance in April helped enormously. Again, thank you all for your support, your kind thoughts and words have really helped during this time!
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January 08, 2007
This past week was a mixed bag of days. I had 4 days of intense pain in which basic pain killers didn't even work that were broken up in the middle by 2 days in which I was finally able to walk 2 city blocks without crutches or canes before I had to stop and rest my leg.
Yesterday I went to the beach with my son as it was 72F and I walked on the beach and had an incredible time with my son. If you want to know what it felt like, all you have to do is visualize walking here. That crazy son of mine even stripped to his underpants and went into the water. He's 7 so I let him.
So on 2/6 he re-evaluates me and then we'll see if he does surgery. He decided to do this for several very good reasons, all of which I won't go into because it took an hour for us to discuss so I'll spare you all.
Suffice to say that this week I have 4 PT sessions of 2hr duration of non-stop intense exercise. It's basic stuff, like going up and down a few steps over and over, that one's the hardest because I still can't bend my knee fully. Along with that I also have accupuncture and massage therapy this week to keep my pain at a minimum and it's working.
Today after church, I went down 3 flights of stairs from the elevated train station on my way home, and then did my exercises. I'm still pain free. YAY! Of course that may change later as it's started to rain but I'm grateful for 2 consecutive pain free days and I'm praying for more.
As for all your wishes, prayers and thoughts. Thank you! They have all helped. Ironically, most of you wrote on my worst day so your messages got me through the worst time of it. I've been reading you guys and I'm glad things are going Okay for all of you. Just think, if things are not to your liking in your life you can always switch places with me. Instead of dreading my pain I focus on the hour after my sessions when I'll be icing down my knees and reading you guys on my cell. Hope you all have a great day!
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I had a great time with my kids, but going back to everyday life is just horrendous....
But it does help me that you are having an improvement.December 16, 2006
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November 15, 2006
Instead, I sucked it up, took spiritual bathroom breaks where I prayed, and tried to deal with the following:
- Discovered I had left my make-up bag at the restaurant where I had dinner with my son the night before, forcing me to look like a pasty white ghost even though halloween is over.
- Forced to deal with a stopped up toilet that overflowed just as I was leaving the apt. for an early morning mtg in one of my best suits. Forwent picking up breakfast because I was too grossed out and running late.
- Upon greeting some of the advance team of Birds for tomorrow's conference, we began to talk and I realized he was an acquaintence of Rick's, who had served in Nam with Rick and who could not stop talking about him. I was missing my friend and mentor, and didn't participate in the conversation for fear of crying. This conference was started by Rick almost 10 yrs ago and was one of the things he was most proud of. Instead I spent the entire hour doing controlled and focused breathing while making sure my eyes did not betray me.
- Was humiliated by a woman in a meeting, who was trying to impress a man she's been trying to date for over a year. I knew I was in trouble at the start of the meeting when she turned around just in time to see the object of her desire mouthing the words "call me" in a seductive way as he winked at me from across the table. What she doesn't realize is that the handsome former Marine is gay, and he does this to drive her crazy. That's 2 dinners he says he owes me. I could do without the dinners and use a lot more respect.
- Was humiliated by yet another woman during a different meeting in which she referred to the analysis I presented as: sub-par, baseless, and full of erroneious assumptions. She got away with it because I was too tired to fight and felt the documentation spoke for itself. It seems the attendees chose to believe her because she was young, pretty, blonde and had pert knockers. It also didn't hurt that her uncle sits on the Board of Directors.
- Discovered in the late afternoon that my beloved cell's screen had been smashed and cracked. Even though it was inside a protective case inside my purse all day. Hmmmm, I wonder how that happened. Yes I am sad and bummed out as that phone is such an important part of my life. But there's worse things in the world than not being able to Treo Blog, comment on other's blogs and read the funny comments you guys leave me. Now I'll never be able to win any of Richmond's Brain Benders. Sigh!
- Was not able to eat a thing all day until 3:00pm, only to have that meal interrupted due to issues that required my attention with the conference I'm running tomorrow.
- Got stuck on the train on my way to pick up my son and discovered he had refused to eat at the sitter's because he wanted to have dinner with me. We normally eat dinner at 6:30pm and it was 8 o'clock by the time I got to him. That forced me to stop at Burger King - a place I hate with a passion - to get dinner. Unfortunately I only had enough money for his dinner because I never got to go to the bank. It's now 11pm and I'm just too tired to eat.
- After a 14 hr day I decided a nice hot shower was in order. When I got out and looked in the mirror I noticed not only did I still have lipstick on, but now it had darkened to a sort of purplish color. In checking the packaging I noticed several warnings none of which I heeded or read in my hasty quest to look human. Folks, when Loreal says Stay-on color they color stays on and it can only be removed by an industrial strength lip remover which only they sell. Not even mineral oil has removed the color off my lips. Hopefully it will wear off by tomorrow morning or I'll be thinking like Lucy Ricardo.
The best part of my day: was getting some really nice messages from 2 bloggers, and getting a really big hug and a big kiss from my son, who said to me I really, really missed you mommy and I waited to have dinner with you.
With positive incentives like those, I'll go to bed in peace hoping tomorrow's a better day. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to apply Industrial strength Motor Oil as cream to my face to soften my skin and hide the puffiness and dark circles under my eyes from sleeping only 4hrs/night for the last 2 weeks. Before I apply I will pray for no more life complications or color shifts, otherwise I'll be booking myself as tomorrow's entertainment as Bozo the clown.
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November 08, 2006
Needless to say it was a morning where there was little dialogue between my son and I because things had to get done & he had to help, plus he was going to vote with me for the first time. When I layed out his school uniform and asked him to get dressed he kept delaying and then tried to negotiate out of his uniform, or so I thought. I gave him my no-nonsense look with the "no back talk or negotiation" warning as we had a very tight schedule and he'd be in big trouble. Resigned he put his school uniform on, quickly ate breakfast and off we went. My first group of 9 Seniors were the first people in line. I voted quickly, though angrily, when I saw that for some offices 1 candidate was running on the Republican, Democrat, and Right to Life Party simultaneously. Where on earth is democracy there? At that moment I definitely would have voted for myself via written ballot just out of my constitutional principal, but I was on a time schedule.
On our last shuttle ride home my son said he had a request. I asked what that was and he said, "since there's no school today can I wear my regular clothes". Oh, I felt like such a heel and I apologized profusely while hugging and kissing him. Trying to push my guilt to his advantage he asked if he could also have a popsicle stick when we got home because he was thirsty from all the running around. "Sorry Mr., not a chance.!"
In the hour I hosted daycare I had a total of 12 kids. My day began to peak when a cute tiny 5yr old that I adore walked in and kept staring at me while his mom and I talked. He kept staring at me even as his mother was trying to say goodbye. Finally I squatted down to his level, and with a smile and gentle voice asked why he was staring at me so much, did he like my choker or my earings. He shook his head and finally worked it all out in his head and said to me: "You're pretty!" with such a sweet sincerity that I just had to give him a big kiss on the cheek for starting my day off right. He then ran away from me to the children's table as he wiped the kiss off his cheek. I sighed and reflected on how yet another man was running away from me.
By 10:00am I was back at my desk working like mad. On my way to the copier I passed a collegue who stopped to stare at me forcing me to look at the front of my blouse to make sure my buttons weren't open. Finally he says to me, "You look faaaantastick!" To which I asked in a sweet voice and with a slight smile on a straight face: "As opposed to the rest of the time when you don't say anything because I look like crap?" He was speechless and turning beet red. Me I was laughing on the inside because I knew my point had been brought home. He had gone over board with the exhuberance so he definitely wanted something from me which now he couldn't ask because he realized his charm didn't work on me.
At 1:30 my old boss, Mr. Global IT Director for Division 1, called me to go upto his office for a chat. It had been over a year since I had left him. I didn't really want to take another position, but leave I had to just so I could have my life back. When working for him I worked at times 18 hrs a day. While in his office we chatted for awhile about changes in the dept. structure, personnel and technology. We caught up on the global projects I had managed and on our personal lives. Then suddenly his tone changed. It was the tone that he used during my annual performance reviews, when he cleared his throat a gazillion times trying to find the right words to convey his message. While he's doing this, I'm wondering what time it is because I have to pick up my son at 3:00pm and by now I know I'll be cutting it close.
Suddenly from his mouth I hear: "I think you would be perfect for this new position in London. I'm hoping you'll consider applying for it as you'll have my full support." Then my mind starts racing with questions and objections, and I'm thinking could I raise a happy, healthy, sane child and have a normal life doing RSM's job in London. That's when my cell phone began to go off like crazy and I realized I had 5 min to get into the elevator go down 40 flights, run through the huge lobby & out into the street to pick up my son.
So as calmly as possible I interrupted him, thanked him for the offer, letting him know that I had to leave immediately to pick up my son and asked if we could continue the conversation tomorrow. Luckily my son was late which gave me a few mintues to let it all sink in: living in London, working again in IT, working for one of the best bosses I've ever had... as I sit here writing this all I can muster to think or say is... WOW. And I know the feelings will be short-lived because I don't have enough information to wrap my head around it. Still, it's like finally being asked to the prom. I was never asked to go to the prom, but if I had been asked, I bet you it would feel like this - faaaaantastic.
Anyway, I gotta go to bed. I can't think about this now 'cause I'm dog dead tired!
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October 21, 2006
- TO DO Saturday!!!
Measure ALL living room windows
- Hardware store – buy vise grip wrench, adjustable wrench, socket wrench, mini-blinds, and foam caulking to seal window gaps.
- Fix leak under bathroom sink
- Replace all old blinds in living room
- Staightening out & dusting the living room
- Do my Banking (get money order, deposit checks, get roll of quarters, get info on life insurance)
- Go to post office
- Visit Optometrist to get Pumpkin's eyeglasses repaired
- Hardware store – buy vise grip wrench, adjustable wrench, socket wrench, mini-blinds, and foam caulking to seal window gaps.
- Office Depot – buy filing cabinet
Visit Fishmonger – get swordfish, sea bass and mussels
- Supermarket – buy groceries for next 2 weeks
- Go to Drug Store – buy sundries
- Take my son to the park and play softball/catch
- Supermarket – buy groceries for next 2 weeks
- While watching College Football do the following:
-Plan/prep dinners for Saturday, Monday & Tuesday
- Go online & schedule Milk/Fruit/Veggie delivery
- Move old files into new file cabinet
-Put together exercise equipment
- While watching Tigers devour Cardinals
-reconcile checkbook
- write checks for bils
- review EOB's against billls submitted to insurer
-plan for the week aheadUPDATE: Office Depot didn't have any filing cabinets in the store (huh?). Per salesperson I must order them online. As for fixing the leak and putting together the exercise equipment, I must say that I'm very proud of myself and did both very easily and well, needing only 3 bandaids in the process!
more...Posted by: Michele at 06:47 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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October 19, 2006
The latter is really interesting reading. Really!
Link updated - thanks to RSM.
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October 13, 2006
Although I hurt all over, I'm in excrutiating pain from the middle of my back all the way to the base of my skull. I've already called my two old physical therapists, accupunturist and my massage therapist all who did a great job restoring me back to health after my ski accident, but the earliest any of them can see me is the middle of next week. So I have no choice for now but to wait. My Kingdom for a good pair of strong hands to work on me!
In the mean time, I smell absolutely lovely! Not of lavender & such, but according to my accupuncturist my eau de Tiger-balm & Eucalyptus smell is very enticing to her Ben-gay crowd. On nights like this I am ooooh so glad I am single. Oohhhh wait, I just realized, if I wasnt' I could ask my partner oh so sweetly for a back massage. Oh well, at least I don't have to hear complaints about my overpowering aromatic scent.
But what is really sending me over the edge is learning this evening from the detectives on the case, that this woman - who threw her baby into the water, is now claiming temporary insanity.
She's so lucky to be in protective custody. Really... she is... because had she been within reach tonight I think there would have been a 2nd person claiming that defense after throwing her out her hospital window. For now, I hope she rots in a hell of a cell for the rest of her life, with the smell of the ocean always nearby to remind her every moment of her life of what she did.
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October 02, 2006
The week before my last living friend, Betsey, died of cancer, she said to me: “who would have thought that a prominent therapist like me would gain such insights and receive such strength from a friendship I never even anticipated.” I never truly understood the loving thought behind what she was trying to say. Mostly, because I was upset over her prognosis, but I now realize that it also had to do with my experience. I didn’t quite understand her meaning because until then Mike and I were the ones with the strongest inner spirit. Yes, there were storms in my life, but they were easily weathered knowing I had incredible friends as my support and anchors, who helped tweak my sails just so each time, enabling me to stay on course.
With their deaths IÂ’ve had to rely on my memories and guidance from the great beyond. That didnÂ’t always work so well. Recently, IÂ’m finding more and more that in your telling of your lives on your blogs, and in my reading of your funny, sweet, tender and often interesting revelations, I find similarities, differences and lessons that I have yet to learn.
Unbeknownst to one blogger, our email exchanges from this past week has helped me enormously in learning something about my life and myself that I otherwise would not have been able to learn. It wasnÂ’t the fact they were holding a virtual mirror to my face, it was the fact that their sharing helped me understand my life and events within it in ways no therapist could have explained that I would have understood because it was out of my frame of reference or understanding. What's even more amazing is realizing that God is helping me with life in the only form I can manage right now - online.
And so tonight, the ripples in the pond have managed to reach me and Betsey, with a simple stone cast by words in a digital medium that is often dismissed as inconsequential. As a result, I am ever more grateful for such inconsequential coincidences, because I now know theyÂ’ll all have a more concrete meaning tomorrow.
Posted by: Michele at
11:47 PM
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Post contains 490 words, total size 3 kb.
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