have both said to me that "anger is good". Tonight I'm beginning to think they're absolutely right. Part of the reason I'm so angry is the incredible amount of pain I'm in. I normally have a high threshold for pain, but right now I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck, it's backed up, and run over me several times over.
Although I hurt all over, I'm in excrutiating pain from the middle of my back all the way to the base of my skull. I've already called my two old physical therapists, accupunturist and my massage therapist all who did a great job restoring me back to health after my ski accident, but the earliest any of them can see me is the middle of next week. So I have no choice for now but to wait. My Kingdom for a good pair of strong hands to work on me!
In the mean time, I smell absolutely lovely! Not of lavender & such, but according to my accupuncturist my eau de Tiger-balm & Eucalyptus smell is very enticing to her Ben-gay crowd. On nights like this I am ooooh so glad I am single. Oohhhh wait, I just realized, if I wasnt' I could ask my partner oh so sweetly for a back massage. Oh well, at least I don't have to hear complaints about my overpowering aromatic scent.
But what is really sending me over the edge is learning this evening from the detectives on the case, that this woman - who threw her baby into the water, is now claiming temporary insanity.
She's so lucky to be in protective custody. Really... she is... because had she been within reach tonight I think there would have been a 2nd person claiming that defense after throwing her out her hospital window. For now, I hope she rots in a hell of a cell for the rest of her life, with the smell of the ocean always nearby to remind her every moment of her life of what she did.
1
Sadly for you - there was no possible way to know what she had done when you saw her in the water. If there is a heaven, then I know baby Brook is looking down on you and sending you great blessings because you are a hero. But you wouldn't be human if you weren't mad enough to throw that piece of trash murderer out the window.
Don't know if it will help, but something we did in yoga once - I keep meaning to try it again... anyhow, take a tennis ball and an empty piece of wall. Back to the wall - very close, reach your hand around (if you can) and put the tennis ball against the wall and lean your spine back against it. Just use your body weight and roll yourself up and down -the tennis ball should go up and down your spine most of the way.
I hope I explained that clearly enough. It does feel good, especially when you don't have anyone else who can massage the middle of your back for you. My back hurts there most of the time - it's all muscle tension - that's where I carry it.
I hope you feel better soon. I suggest not asking for more information about the murderer... it can only make you more angry. Although maybe you could have the detective call you if she does end up in jail for the crime. It's up to you though.
I wish peace for you - at least for a little while.
Posted by: Teresa at October 12, 2006 11:12 PM (o4pJS)
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Tried to comment yesterday and was able. But my heart and prayers are with you honey. Wish I could send Nuke up to massage your back. He gives the best.
In the meantime, you need to step back and not think about that horrible woman, it will only make your pain worse.
Posted by: Tink at October 12, 2006 11:18 PM (11q5z)
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there were so many times when working on an ambulance or in the pediatric ED where anger would well up at what had been done or what someone failed to do.
Don't surpress it but don't let it out in a unproductive way. I know there is physical pain... trust me... but two things helped me a great deal: writing it out and working out, even if the workouts included a heavy duty cleaning session at the apartment or yardwork for a friend. Physical and mental outlets.
And in spite of the circumstances, there should be greatfulness in that you were granted an opportunity to see what you are made of, and it is far stronger than that of which most people are.
Posted by: RSM at October 13, 2006 06:26 AM (fUhX/)
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I'm guessing the physical pain is from your ordeal. The tennis ball is a good idea! I'm so going to have to try that one after lugging gear around for hours.
I wasn't as close to the situation and want to harm that woman myself. Such a normal response. But like RSM said, don't let your anger out in an unproductive way, but let it out. Go out into the woods and scream - that is what I do. Usually I wait for our siren to go off and I stand under it and scream.
I do hope you feel better physically very soon. Mentally and spiritually will take some more time. But I wish peace for you.
Posted by: oddybobo at October 13, 2006 09:29 AM (mZfwW)
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I do hope you find relief from your back pain although I have never had back pain I do know what pain is both mentally and physically. After learning from Oddy of your unselfish sacrifice and in reading your post, you are indeed a hero in my eyes. I to share your anger at the mother but you and I are only human. I want to personally thank you for your courage and calm clarity of action from a friend in South Carolina.
Posted by: Edd at October 13, 2006 09:46 AM (eqar/)
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Hang in there. And I do so hope that *all* of your pain is alleviated soon...
You are in my prayers.
Posted by: Richmond at October 13, 2006 03:13 PM (e8QFP)
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Michele,
Even though we have never met, it is an honor to know you through this site. I am in awe of what you have done.
Take the advice above and find a safe and productive way to work through the anger. And when you've done that, I recommend a pint of your favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's.
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at October 13, 2006 05:37 PM (DdRjH)
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Oh my...
Hugs, Michele. Lots of hugs.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at October 13, 2006 06:02 PM (4JWw+)
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If'n y'all were closer to NC, I'd invite you to come shooting with me. With pistols, it's not rough on your back, and you can really get out the agressions. Sorry to hear about the pain and the wait.
Oh, and that woman? She will be burning in hell for a very, very long time...
Posted by: Ogre at October 13, 2006 09:11 PM (QmGzr)
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Hate is a killer and love is a savior. Your love saved that woman whose lack of love killed her innocent baby girl. After discovering that you risked your life to save a killer, anger is certainly called for for now. The darkness of her heart let her destroy a precious and beautiful gift while, herself, being saved by a heroine whose love of life and life of love are beyond her comprehension. To be absolutely livid about these horrifying facts is good and healthy, I think. But along with your anger toward that woman, please remember to pray for her, as well. She's going to need a lot of guidence from within if she is ever to love anyone the way that you loved her on that beach. Not that it'll matter to anyone when she's in prison. I dunno. Maybe it matters. Whatever. Soak in a hot bath for a while. I love you, Michele.
Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 13, 2006 09:32 PM (LyN/K)
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What's for me to say to you?
{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}
Posted by: Mark at October 13, 2006 10:42 PM (ep0GZ)
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You have done what many people would never do: risk your life for someone you don't know. It's an amazing yet crazy gift you have.
I have a feeling the woman won't be entirely grateful for her life being saved, being she valued it so little. And then when she gains conciousness, then thinks of the baby there's a huge chance she may try again and be successful at her suicide.
We are proud of you Michelle, I'm proud of you even though I don't know you well, and I've only visited a few times. If only a small portion of the human population was so selfless and caring.
Peace.
Dave
Posted by: Oorgo at October 14, 2006 04:19 AM (1JIkb)
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You're a good woman Michele and I'm sure your kingdom is worth more than a couple of strong, soothing hands.
Posted by: Sgt Hook at October 14, 2006 09:23 AM (ZkBlA)
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My phone is on (though having some problems). I wish I could be there to smell the tiger balm... I love that stuff. My hubby hates it. But ohhh it feels so good.
I hope you can work through this via words or prayers or whatever works for you. You did the right thing and that is important. **hugs**
Posted by: vw bug at October 14, 2006 08:21 PM (iaPhJ)
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.. Sgt. Hook is right...
Posted by: Eric at October 15, 2006 04:29 PM (NlzwQ)
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You have been asked to focus. Anger tosses away all the inconsequential crap. Righteous anger is a gift. You have observed what occurs a billion times a day, stripped down to its outrageous flaw in a purportedly perfect design. When you join hands with that little Angel, do us all a favor: grab the keys to the kingdom and fix this.
Posted by: Jj at October 17, 2006 10:18 AM (p7TPZ)
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