January 29, 2006
It was so wonderful to get your letter on Friday. I thought reading your funny cheerful letter would be the perfect way to end a really stressful week at work. and start my weekend on a positive note. At first I thought it strange that one of your men would write me directly, but after reading his letter I'm really grateful he did.
Sorry about writing my response here, but I just had to write and thank you for the pictures of the men and your girls and share some last thoughts with you. I cannot believe how much theyÂ’ve grown since I first saw them at the end of your first deployment. How time flies! I can believe itÂ’s been a little over 3 years since we first began corresponding while you were in the middle of your first tour in Iraq.
I want you to know that since that time IÂ’ve grown to appreciate you more each time and now consider you more like a younger brother than a close friend. I never really thanked you when you and the guys called me for motherÂ’s day last year. I thought it was the sweetest most touching thing youÂ’ve done and a memory IÂ’ll treasure forever. Of course I still think you all sounded like wailing cats, but itÂ’s the thought that counts, eh?
By the way, I finally started using the Schaeffer fountain pen you sent me for Christmas. I LOVE IT!!! It's possibly the best present I've ever gotten. I didnÂ’t get a chance to tell you before because I only started using it Friday night to write in my journal.
ItÂ’s strange to be typing this letter because we always handwrote our letters to each other. In that way you and I were very much alike, old style communicators. I was really glad I decided to keep your letters, because IÂ’ve been re-reading them and laughing all over again at some of the silliness in them. I finished the most recent ones this morning and have been thinking of sending them to your Aunt so she could hold onto them for when the girls get older. I think it would be great for them to see how much you loved them and how proud you were of them. Since you write so much of them in every letter, and they express your thoughts, hopes and dreams for them, I thought it would be fitting for them to have. God IÂ’m going to miss your letters.
I want to thank you for being a persistent pain-in-the-a$$, and making me your friend. In writing my letters I was able to start giving my soul a voice once again. It helped me enormously too because I began to reach out and slowly let you into my life in a safe way. Believe me, I didnÂ’t want for us to become good friends because I really didnÂ’t want to have to mourn yet another person in my life. But you were insistent and reminded me that in changing the person I was, the free spirit, the adventurous, the risk taker, I was closing myself off from the possibility of experience moments of happiness and joy. As you said, being on the front lines straddling the line of life and death forced you not to piss away lifeÂ’s precious moments.
For over a week now I’ve been thinking about my life in terms of what you said and what Tammi wrote in her blog about "taking risks". I was once again wondering if I should make an effort and get to know the people from work by socializing with them afterwards. What’s the risk? The risk is getting close and then losing them, and having to endure and mourn the loss of someone else. Yeah, yeah, I can almost hear your voice saying: “Abso-freaking-lutely! Because without the opportunity to experience pain, there is no opportunity to experience joy!” I remember you saying that during our first internet call during your 2nd deployment. I can still hear your hearty laugh when I asked you did you become a “F*^king Sufi-mystic.” You laughed so hard you fell off your chair and we nearly lost our connection. That still makes me laugh! I think of it every time my son starts tipping his chair.
Joe, IÂ’m going to miss you! You were a brother and a friend that helped me start on the road to healing. And I will keep the promise you asked for in your last letter. I will remember only the laughs and good moments we shared through letters and not on the fact that youÂ’re gone. I also promise that someday IÂ’ll make it to Wash State to meet with the girls when theyÂ’re a bit older and explain the importance of why you were there, why you sacrificed as you did, and how much you loved our country.
Kiddo, please know that I loved you very much! Although I never said it while you were alive for fear that youÂ’d confuse it with something else, the brotherly love I felt for you was very strong and grew with every exchange we had. My muse wants to thank you most of all for the encouragment you gave me while writing, for reading my little stories and for all the feedback you collected from your men.
I know that you are smiling down on me from heaven and possibly cracking everybody up with your jokes. Know that I believe your light has not been extinguished with your death but has grown brighter with our love and appreciation for you having been in our lives. Yes, you will be missed, but you will be remembered much more and with greater love. God Bless You Joe, and thank you for having been in my life for the short time you were!
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January 28, 2006
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strain
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
- David Bowie
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January 27, 2006
The emotional rollercoaster began when JD, my breakfast buddy for the past 7 months, got all choked up as we were making breakfast for the last time together in our office's microscopic kitchen. Actually, thatÂ’s how we met and began our friendship. Being creatures of similar schedules and habits, we wound up preparing breakfast at the same time every morning in that small kitchen.. After a few weeks we easily got into a rhythm and dance where we ended sharing the responsiblities of making tea for two, and toasting bagels for the other in order to be able to make our breakfast quickly saving time and effort. Someone commented last week that we were like an old married couple the way we moved about the small space intuitively without bumping into each other.
Later I was called into the conference room and was surprised with a wonderful take out lunch hosted by the members of other departments on our floor. I was truly touched by their kindness and thoughtfulness. I almost began to cry when I was presented with a card, flowers and chocolate at the end of lunch. Heck IÂ’m choked up right now!
At the end of the day, when people started stopping over to give me hugs, say good bye and wish us all luck at our new location I couldnÂ’t help but begin to cry silently. Of all the environments IÂ’ve ever worked in, this group of people have been the most incredibly supportive group of people IÂ’ve ever worked with.
I think a lot of the difference has to do with the fact that theyÂ’re all World Trade Center survivors. We have all lived our life the same way, intensely appreciating life in the moment. These people cared about me and supported me the entire time I was amongst them. IÂ’m going to miss MauryÂ’s daily visits to tell me a joke or too. IÂ’m going to miss my weekly dance practice sessions in the copy room with Nori, and how Ray & I would break into song if we heard a snippet of a lyric in anyoneÂ’s conversation.
Ironically I was a bit reserved from the beginning. It's wasn't easy losing all my close friends in the 9/11 attack. And it hasn't been easy making new friends either. That's in addition to me being a very reserved person in my professional life. But these people wouldn't accept that. I was brought into their world and they made great efforts to make me a part of it whether I wanted to or not. For the first time at my firm I felt that I was truly an essential part of a team, even though I wasnÂ’t in their department.
LotÂ’s more happened today, including the death of a cat I've cat-sit regularly for more than 12 years, but IÂ’m just too emotional and worn out physically from the move to write about it. I think I'll just go to my bed, have a good cry and maybe tomorrow if I feel better I'll write some more.
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January 26, 2006
congratulations. you are the kiss my A$$ happy
bunny. Sometimes you don't care about anyone or
anything but yourself. You must be so proud
which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
H/T to Jon
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January 25, 2006
You ask “is it different than say, Ford producing a car in China… than what Google is doing?”
Well, thatÂ’s a very good and complex question. In one sense, there is a difference as FordÂ’s production of cars in ChinaÂ’s turf does essentially 2 things: it produces an American product cheaply enough to compete in a huge new market being opened up to foreign (American) companies; it provides the Chinese with the rudimentary knowledge of how a capitalist manufacturing plant operates and prepares for the future.
China, is a country that until recently was closed off from any foreign knowledge, except that which would enable them to maintain some competitiveness in the marketplace and enable them to perpetuate their political system. In the late 1990Â’s Microsoft, and technology companies, began to make inroads through the manufacture and sales of their products in China. This impacted how Chinese knowledge was stored, organized and disseminated. It was these companies that helped fuel the imagination, hopes and dreams of students in The Tiananmen Square uprisings. They knew there was more and they wanted the knowledge that was available to the rest of the world.
Today, the Chinese old guard (party members) have seen the financial effects of Communist style secrecy and lack of information on their economy and its population during the spread of SARÂ’s in 2003. Their economy lost revenue in the millions. They now realize that transparency, openness, and information are keys to their economic survival and competitiveness in a market economy.
The Chinese are an extremely cautious people when it comes to change. Evidence of this has been seen in how theyÂ’ve adopted manufacturing concepts and ideas as opposed to technology. As they begin to take steps to gain membership in the World Trade Organization, their society will need to become even more open and transparent.
The FordÂ’s and MicrosoftÂ’s have done much in the last 5 years to help fuel the economic boon the Chinese are now experiencing. Chinese personal income and capital has nearly doubled over what they experienced exclusively under their Communist economy. So to answer your question, yes, even with limited censorship, the spread of information to a previously closed society does more for our socio-economic and political system than theirs. Of course you won't hear any of this in the MSM.
GoogleÂ’s entrance into their world will do 2 very important things: it will provide the Chinese population (in the billions) with huge amounts of information they never had access to before (what they're blocking are key phrases like Tianamen Square and Free Speech); and, through the exposure of this new knowledge, they will gain understanding to western cultural values, capitalism and personal freedoms. All concepts they will eventually be able to embrace and adopt. In the end, it will not only be better for China, but it will also be better for Ford, and ultimately all of us.
As for your meta-question: "Is Communism in China ... worse than any other... ?" We need only look at Vietnam and see the economic and political changes in their country over the last 12 years to see that trade with open markets countries leads closed societies to seek out more prosperity and eventually greater freedoms.
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January 23, 2006
Well, Sunday night was one of those nights in which I havce one dream after another. No sooner would I relax long enough after waking up suddenly from one of these dreams that I'd drift off to sleep to dream another dream about someone new. Luckily for me though, none of the dreams were tragic. Though some of the dreams were sad, none were of a serious nature to humans, so in my book they really canÂ’t be considered nightmares.
The truly tough part comes in deciding whether or not I should mention something to the person I dreamt about, or whether I should wait and see if the situation will begin to unfold just as I dreamt it. What stops me from sharing my knowledge with each person, well, there's alway that little thing called choice that each of us have.
You remember one of the laws of Physics, don't you? For every action, there's equal and opposite reaction. Well, since my thoughts and actions, whether I share them or not, will have a ripple effect on others, I sometimes wait and see if a person will conciously make choices that will draw them to the scene or event in my dream or whether their choices will take them in a different direction.
If they don't head in a different direction, then there's no sense in me saying anything anyway because the choices they made altered their destiny and the chances of my dream event happening are small to nil.
So tonight, to assure myself that everyone was well, I decided to call on some of those people that I dreamt with and see if any of them should be told about my dream. Well, to my surprise everyone I called was either watching Jack Bauer/24 or about to and so they couldn't talk anyway. Since none of my dreams were life altering, I decided to let things go for now. However, curiousity got the better of me and I turned the show on to see what I was missing. Sadly, it turns out nothing.
To say I was disappointed is to put it mildly. Why, you might ask? Well, not only was I able to figure out an action before it happened, the story line also had more holes in it than a sieve. DonÂ’t even let me get started with the repeated network security breaches that I saw, because in the real world, half of the staff, would either be fired or taken out in handcuffs, whether they were duped or were the culprits themselves. Sorry, but I give more credit to the NSA than this show does. IÂ’ll just leave it at that. Now I think IÂ’ll go to bed and try and catch up on some much needed sleep.
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January 22, 2006
Artistic |
 You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary. |
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I had over 600 pages to read for work this weekend and I just didn't have it in me to do anything other than read my email a few times. This week is hell week, not only do we move starting Friday morning, our new division head comes to visit us overnight this week. A week when legislation in several large states is moving fast and furious.
My job? To make sure everything/everyone is packed and ready to go Friday morning on top of keeping up with all my responsibilities. In truth, I'd rather be listening to music, writing, reading novels or dancing!
As for the post's title, Sunday for me has always been a tough day to get through. Today is no different, especially since I'm so tired of being sick with this cold. Hope your weekends were enjoyable. b
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January 17, 2006
| Your EQ is |
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. |
The interpretation to my score had me practically rolling on the floor w/laughter. BTW, am I the only one that finds Dr. Phil scary? Anyway, I attribute part of my high score to the therapy I received as a result of the previous post.
To quote Ktreva, "a bonnet tip" goes to Contagion, who started all this self-analysis. Pun intended!
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January 15, 2006
more...
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As a few of you might know, the Red Wings beat the Rangers 4-3 in a very agressive but fair game. Unfortunately for the Rangers, Brian Shanahan, having scored 2 goals, got out of his slump just in time to contribute to a win.
Unfortunately for my Rangers, Darius Kasparaitis absence due to a freak injury during the pre-game warmup, as a result of what I like to call it the curse of the Red Wings, was one that affected the Ranger line up and psyche through out the afternoon. All I saw during the game was a Rangers team that didn't play their usual masterful game, becoming instead a team that reacted to the aggressive Red Wing offense. This allowed the Red Wings to dominate the ice and ultimately the game. Proof of this can be seen in the high number of shots on goal the Red Wings had versus the Rangers. In spite of the loss though, I did enjoy the game and the frenzied/mad trash talk via text messaging w/Jon. Until the next one!
See, and you all thought I was just another pretty face in the family that just had some good fashion sense and not much else. Fooled you didn't I?
Anyway, being the kind of gal that I am, I will be paying my Jamboree dues and holding up my bet with Jon by displaying the Red Wing logo not for 1 day, as per the rules, but for 3 days as Jon and I agreed to in our bet. Yep, for the next 3 days I'll have to live with the logo on the left. I can put up with it only because it reminds me of a Harley Davidson logo and not that of an opposing hockey team.
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January 14, 2006
I'm spending quality time with my son watching while teaching him all about hockey. It's the first publically televised game of the season so I'm really glad for this opportunity, aside from the fact that it's expected to be a very good and agressive game.
Personally, I hope the Rangers draw blood first and get their 8th straight win! Lundquist is expected to protect our turf magnificently. It's been seven years since the Rangers have won on Detroit dirt and I pray today's the day!
My two main reasons for wanting to see the Rangers win: ice/league supremacy AND to see their beautiful logo on my opponents website. Jon, has already accepted my challenge, what about you Machelle? And maybe, if you guys are not too afraid, loser gets to sport a tshirt or jersey provided by the winner? What say you????
Score right now: Rangers 2 - Wings 3
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January 12, 2006
I will respond as soon as I'm able. Hopefully by Saturday, till then enjoy life
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January 11, 2006
I was going to post this info at other sights including says uncle, but I was afraid they might try to make me the first test case of their pseudo "annoyance" legislation. I'm posting it here because as a legislative analyst and blogger, I want to be on the record that the stuff being spouted off by some bloggers is outright and patently false. Ready for the quick truths!
- NO - you cannot have your blog taken down or be thrown in jail for 2 years for posting an annoying comment on a blog.
- NO - you cannot be thrown in jail for using the interet to make unwanted calls on an unsuspecting individual... AND
- NO - you cannot be jailed for sending an annoying email.
- Yes - there were committee hearings over the past 2 years to discuss the updated changes from the original enacted (1994) version of the legislation (hence over 6 drafts in the last 2 years). These drafts did not edit themselves.
- Finally, this is a Cyber Stalking Law, that expands the teeth of spousal/partner stalking laws, not a law for protecting individuals from annoyances.
You know what the scariest thing of this whole kerfuffle has been? 2 highly visited bloggers used "News Organizations" as their ONLY source of information and took the news agency's slant as the Gospel Truth. Not only were the news organizaitons using the incorrect version of the legislation (they used a 2yr old draft), they were quoting wording that is NOT in the final/enacted version.
So what do you think happened when this itty bitty blogger tried to correct the record and point out the erroneous information? Well, lets just say I got some less than civil guests that wound up in my inbox, and I've spent close to an hour getting rid of them. Thank God for delete buttons. Unfortunately, contrary to their misguided belief, there's not a darned thing I can do about that. Nope, according to the legislation their has to be at minimum, "substantial harassment", at the maximum there has to be a level of consistent threat "to kill, injure, harass, or place under surveillance with intent to kill, injure, harass, or intimidate, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person in another State".
So in the interest of public service... I'd like to point out simply 1 thing: the wording these guys keep quoting - ANNOY, ETC. is NOT (I repeat) NOT IN THE FINAL RESOLUTION. There, I feel better. If you wish to use/quote those words, proceed at your own ignorance.
How do I know they are not in the final version? Very simple, unlike these bloggers, I READ THE WHOLE DARNED THING! All 242 pages! Why? 'cause that's just the kinda gal I am. I don't let anyone else do my thinking for me. I don't read snippets of a 2yr old draft that was posted by a "news organization" and then picked up by a nice but unsuspecting blogger, who gets frustrated with readers when they point out inaccurate and erroneous facts in their posts. Nope, "I" don't do that... you see "I" read the source material because I want to find out the truth for myself, and not from some re-interpreted version from a news organization, especially knowing how unrealiable "news agencies" are.
For the record: if you do research on HR 3402 at the Library of Congress you'll find more than 6 draft versions before scrolling down to find the version that was voted on or enrolled. HR 3402 ENR is the Enrolled version. Enrolled means the version that was approved by the House and is entered/enrolled in the Congressional record. If the bill has anything other than ENR after it, it is NOT the final version, but merely one of a myriad of versions introduced by any number of committees or branches of the government.
Anyone can find it for themselves... by visiting the above link, then inputting HR3402.ENR and activating the search. You will be brought to the summary and linked sections of the bill immediately after that. To read the complete 242 page document, hit the printer friendly version link at the top right and read to your hearts content.
For all who wish to keep spouting off inaccuracies and quoting non-existing wording, go right ahead... just don't do it here as this is an IGNORANCE Free Zone.
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January 10, 2006
After following up with my friend's wife this evening I learned that he's finally back on medication and under a doctor's care. I'm both relieved and tired.
My tiredness, however, is a good tired. It comes from being on the phone till the wee hours of this morning from people all over the world who were concerned and called to express their support. They also shared incredible stories of people in their lives who had also sucked the life blood out of them at some point or another.
To those who commented, called, emailed, and left me messages of support, I thank you! It was both unexpected, unbelievably appreciated, and warmed my heart beyond measure. This evening my last caller was a blogger from Canada who has emailed me regularly for the past 2 years whenever I've been feeling a bit low. It was such a welcome surprise and really such a cumulative overwhelming gesture that I just began to cry... but these were tears of great friendship and affection for the kindness received. I truly feel blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. With each call I began to feel better and better. Well, after such an outpourig of support I now I have a new saying:
Bloggers - the sad blues antidote!
A heartfelt thank you and may God bless each and everyone of you.
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DonÂ’t get me wrong, it needed to be done... for a long time now. For years, these truths needed to be said. I just hadnÂ’t said them because to do so would sever old ties and show such disloyalty, that even I wouldnÂ’t be comfortable with that. But todayÂ… today, I was forced to set all of that aside and do something mean, awful and hurtful for anotherÂ’s benefit. In the process, well, I got bruised and scuffed up pretty bad (emotionally that is). Sigh!
What did I do that was so awful? I told a friend, who called me in a very suicidal state (as heÂ’s done a few times before) to finally get it over with and go ahead and kill himself. I did 15 minutes of being supportive and being positive and pointing out that he needed professional help (as IÂ’d done a great many times before), but this time I had just had it with the whining, blaming and victim complex. There was nothing left for me to lose except my own sanity, so I finally got tough and said lotÂ’s of horrible things with one purpose in mind, to get him so angry, so enraged in fact, that he would no longer feel like killing himself and instead feel like killing me.
It took 20 min of me cursing at him in a very controlled manner and emasculating him verbally, but in the end I got the job done. Of course heÂ’s still alive but now I feel like crap. This is a toxic friendship... It wasnÂ’t always like this. At the beginning it was me who needed him to be supportive of my hopes and dreams. As a fellow artist he was the only one who believed in me and encouraged me. When everyone, and I mean everyone, believed I was wasting my time with singing, writing and photography, it was he who would make sure that I got out there and would also get encouraged or recognized by others. He helped me slay dragons, and I in turn did the same for and with himÂ… that is until his own demons became too large and unearthly for me to help.
When things got bad, this brilliant painter shut the light from the love of those around him and instead turned to the demons within him to guide him to a place unreachable by everyone. So as a result he spiraled downward to the depths of darkness within his soul. Each and every time these demons have led him to only one placeÂ… death.
These demons can disappear as easily as they appear because they are clinical in nature. You see whenever he gets off his meds, his demons come back en masse and become all too real. He becomes a soul hunted and haunted by these dark and oppressive creatures.
A long time ago I reconciled with the fact that no amount of caring would change the outcome of these episodes. The problem however stemmed from the fact that he had always been the kind of person who always looked at his glass as somewhat empty. As the years passed his glass became empty. IÂ’ve dealt with it by continuously pointing out how it was not and citing convincing evidence. But to someone whoÂ’s negative and jaded to the core, even with meds, thereÂ’s no amount of psychotropic drugs in the world that would enable him to appreciate lifeÂ’s small and intrinsic simple beauty, a beauty that can carry most of us forward on a relatively bad day.
His inability to accept lifeÂ’s imperfect, simplistic and abounding challenges, and turning to recreational drugs to remove the feelings of quiet desperation only served to make a bad situation worse. Every few years or so we wind up here... him turning to me for salvationÂ… and me playing a loosing battle because I'm not omnipotent. Unfortunately, I donÂ’t have anything to give him anymore. His last suicide attempt 6 years ago took everything out of me. So today, being brought to the same place once again I too had reached the end of my rope and gave him the ultimate ultimatumÂ… get help or finally do what he has threatened me with all these years.
I can no longer stand amidst so much darkness. Life for me is a choice that I make every day. Each day I choose the quality and color of my day. I either walk and bask in the bright sunlight, even when it rains, or I go down the path of negativity and darkness, which only does two thingsÂ… it extinguishes all my hope/dreams and surrounds me with eternal darkness. Today, unbeknowngst to him, I said goodbye to an old friend. In doing so I chose to stand in bright sunshine and eternal hope, leaving him with positive thoughts and prayers to his creator, to do for him that which I have no power to do. By writing this IÂ’m already starting to feel the warmth from the bright sunlight I choose to stand in. .
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January 09, 2006
This year I've expanded my predictions to include some items that are Odd & Humorous... so here goes:
Ohh, before I forget... the legalese: The information contained here is a by product of Michele's opinion and research. If you take what's contained herein as Gospel truth, then you should contact me immediately because there's some wonderful illegal outsider information on some bridge shares in Brooklyn that you should consider buying. more...
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January 07, 2006
Though we have nothing in common, especially politics - since he's a socialist- he still finds my site interesting. Well, I'm pleased, Sgt. Hook and Harvey did that for me, and now we've almost come full circle. All that's left is his education (not indoctrination as they do in the socialist movement) on democracy and the principles of capitalism.
Update: After an email discussion with Bou I decided to share with you a decent translation utility from Google that might help you all. Here's the link to the translated site.
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