April 30, 2005
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April 28, 2005
And I felt my spirit break.
I had lost all of my belief, you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still
I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name
Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes
'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me, now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name
Oh I... don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name
Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt my lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe in me
'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me, now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name
Oh I.... don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name
Love can help me know my name.
--- Lyrics by Seal /Feb. 2004
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April 27, 2005
IÂ’m trying really hard not to obsess and to take things slow, but without a doubt itÂ’s true love at first sight. The kind of love that youÂ’ll remember where you were and what you were doing when you first met. A forever love! I could hardly walk, let alone tear myself away afterwards. And no, it's not my endorphins talking here! I believe this is truly the real thing!! Let me fill you in.
There I was, minding my own business, fixing my shoe laces when my trainer decides to introduce us so that we could work out together. It seems he felt bad about my injury when I was last at the gym, and decided to turn me over to someone else for awhile. At first I thought, why is he doing this to me, I just want to get on the treadmill and get on with my workout. But when I looked up and straight aheadÂ…POW, WOW, just like on a Batman episode. My mouth dropped open! What beauty, what figure, what strength? [Okay, breathe MicheleÂ….Focus] Sigh! [Big Silly Grin]
My trainer tried talking to me but I was mesmerized. Somewhere through the foggy haze in my brain I heard my trainer’s voice saying “has great experience, an excellent memory, will always be available to me”…my mind goes wandering off again into an incredible visual of how things can be between us. [I nod to pretend I’m listening] I still have the biggest, stupidest grin on my face you’ve ever seen. My trainer asks another question and I just respond with “ahuh!”. He just laughs, shakes his head and starts walking away.
Then as I slowly come back to earth he says, “I’ll leave you to your workout and I'll check back with you in an hour.” I barely got a “Bye” out of my mouth and just stumbled forward in a half daze and we decided to work on all my problem areas - instensely. Oooooooh!
My breath was taken away, I was made to feel feverish all over, and shortly after we started, I found myself to be all hot and sweaty. It was an incredible workout and time just seemed to fly by. I didn’t want to stop, I didn’t want to go, but my trainer forced me. He leaned into my ear and said I couldn’t hog him. “NOT FAIR” I thought, don’t the others know I’m in love. Can’t they see it in my eyes, my face, my soul?
Now I sit here counting the minutes, dreaming in fantasy landÂ…I canÂ’t wait until we see each other again tomorrow. In fact, IÂ’ve begun to obsess. ThatÂ’s it, IÂ’m done for! [Big Sigh] IÂ’ve never felt like this before. Yes there were times that I thought this was it, but no, this IS really IT!
WhatÂ’s my latest loveÂ’s name? Precor!
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April 26, 2005
But I especially love this affirming line from one of these posts:
"Anything worth having is worth waiting for."
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April 25, 2005
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April 24, 2005
One show caught my attention this morning because I heard my son laughing so hard from the kitchen, it surprised me. It was a show called Jakers on PBS. When I walked in the bedroom to see what was causing my son's hysterics I heard a very familiar voice on the screen. I couldn't place the voice at first, but the cute little wooly sheep that was on the screen was funny and had lots of spunk and NY attitude which I enjoyed inmensely, so I decided to sit down and watch the show with my son.
Halfway through the show we were both laughing hysterically. My son and I agree, he's the funniest character in the show. It was one of the sheep's lines that helped me recognize the voice. Let's see if you recognize the voice; the line was: "It's good to be the king!"
That's when I realized, the familiar voice was that of the great comedien Mel Brooks. In Jakers, he plays the character of "Wiley - The Sheep. Wiley, a legend in his own mind, is a sheep that's imported from America to join Raloo Farm in Tara County, Ireland. His bio says that he's "more hip and aware than any of the sheep around him, and tries every trick in the book to get the flock to loosen up through song, dance, and anything else he can concoct in order to avoid standing around chewing grass all the time!"
By the time the show ended, I was getting flashbacks from all the times I've seen Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, History of the World, and Spaceballs.
After watching today's Jaker's episode I think I should rent Blazing Saddles and maybe History of the World so the lightness and laughter can continue the rest of the day. It was just what I needed to finally get me out of my funk.
As for all of you, "may the schwartz be with you!"
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April 23, 2005
For me the only challenging moment happened when I was asked 'What was my singular or main goal in life?' That took me completely by surprise because I just don't have one goal, I have many goals.... I have anywhere from 5 to 15 goals for each area of my life.
Somehow my mouth began to move. As the words slowly began to come out of my mouth, I began to form sentences regarding my career. My first thought had been say, ‘to continuously become a better person and to be a good mom’. As I came out of my head and back to the interview, I heard myself suddenly say: "and in 10 years I should be finished with law school in the evenings, enabling to use my degree in a variety of areas within the firm."
The instant she took her eyes off me to write down some notes, I thought to myself Whoaa! Law school?!!!! Where the hell did that come from. Since when have I been subconsciously thinking about going to law school so that it would even enter in a conversation. When on earth did that mind shift happen. Okay, for the record, that must not have been me talking. It had to be somebody else.
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From the Telephone
Out of the dark cup
Your voice broke like a flower
It trembled, swaying on its taut stem.
The caress in its touch
Made my eyes close farther.
- Florence Martin - late 19th century
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April 21, 2005
I was never a part of that world. In fact, I was so far from it, having left home at 17, to seek knowledge and adventure, that to this day IÂ’m still a woman under scrutiny and judgment. For some people, all IÂ’m missing is my scarlet letter. more...
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April 20, 2005
-------------------------------------
Update:
The luck/prayers I'm asking for is so any potential job offer is for a position that's a great fit, which means that it meets at least 95% of what's on my dream job list.
Well, just got an email that the person I interviewed with today wants to see me back on Friday for a team and individual interviews (3 hrs worth). The team interview would be with the people I would be working with (I think a total of 4), the individual interviews are for the 2 directors the person would report to.
BTW, I'm still stunned, the email said that he feels given my credentials I am perfect for this position. The rest is seeing how I fit with the team and the directors. I'm stunned too, it was the easiest, most comfortable interview I've ever had. Wow! Anyway, gotta go and pick up my little angel from school.
That's the thing about NYC, sometimes things happen at the speed of light.
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April 19, 2005
In sales, the broader you cast your net to a targetted group, the higher the probability of obtaining a potential client or sale. That's the philosophy I've used for finding jobs and it's never taken me more than 10 weeks to go from looking for a position to starting a job. So I'm hoping the same formula works in my favor again.
Yesterday I began to write down all the elements of what I would want my ideal or dream job to have. I'm still not finished as I keep refining it. You see, some time ago I learned that if you really want something in your life, and you get real focused and specific about what you really want, by writing it down and praying about it, it can and will be manifested in your life in some form. That's why I don't focus on a job title or position. Instead I focus on the kind of environment, people, etc. I'd like to experience.
Well, everytime I've done this, no matter what it's been about, it's manifested itself in my life. So here I am once again, doing the same thing that has worked 3 times before in the last year.
Over a year ago I began to write in my journal how I wanted to be able to have a new group of friends in my life and I wrote all their characteristics down. Three months later I was adopted by the most incredible group of people I could have ever wanted to have in my life. Yes, they're spread out all over the place, but I figure, the different time zones help when I have insomnia. Also, they already given me much more and taught this old dog a few new tricks in the process, than I could have ever imagined.
In mid-December I wrote about 2 specific things I wanted to have in my life by the time my birthday rolled around. Both are currently in my life today 7 weeks ahead of schedule. Wooohooo!
So being that I'm on a roll with this, and since this was something I suggested my blog sister do, Tammi of Road Warrior Survival. I figured I should put my own advice to work for me, so that she could see how this works in my life. Since she's such a wonderful person, I would really love to see it come true in hers.
What say you Tammi, are you up for this game!
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It's from people like him that I've learned to deal with struggle and challenges in a positive manner. Ironically enough, it was my friend Mike who introduced me to his religious writings. I only knew him from his Chronicles of Narnia.
Anyway, The first thing I did was go to the gym and stayed on the treadmill for over an hour. Then I toke my son to the park and just had a blast doing toddler stuff (playing with swings, sand pit, see saw, monkey bars, and running around playing tag). After which I went to the young people's service at church, which my sone loves because of the great music. After having an impromptu picnic dinner by the Hudson River at our favorite spot, we went home.
After putting my son to bed I sat down for a 90 min session of transcendental meditation (TM) followed by a period of prayer and affirmations. Transcendental Meditation is technique of meditation derived from Hindu traditions but which has been modified in the west that promotes deep relaxation through the use of a mantra, sound or music. Personally, I use music because it's easier to sit for longer periods of time.
I've done the same for the past few days and this morning I woke up unbelievably early (4:30 am) and ready to start my day in a really happy and positive frame of mind.
This is someting I've done for awhile, but never for such a long period of time. The 90 min. session helped me enormously when I was away dealing with my aunt's passing and I'm just grateful that in spite of how cold it was in her garden, I stuck with it. I've received a lot from doing this, and have indicated in the extended some of the benefits as described in one psychological study of TM.
So no secret or magic to keeping my wits about me really. I'm just always amazed at how well it works when I remember to practice it. And for those of you who will argue that beer or drugs are better.... I say NOT, it works better because it has none of the side effects and no hangovers! more...
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April 18, 2005
The first thing I did last night after my son went to bed was listen to the recording I made of my auntÂ’s memorial service. Since she was cremated there was no burial and this was the only opportunity for everyone to get together for the last time.
In listening I discovered that the service was as awesome as I thought it had been! Since I was responsible for making sure her wishes were carried out to the letter, I really didnÂ’t get into the groove of the service until the very end, over 2 hrs into the service.
Over the objections of a few of her loved ones, the modern day version of a quasi-New Orleans style memorial service went ahead as planned. The reason my aunt chose me for this job, was because she knew I would honor her wishes to the letter. Of course the penalty of eternal haunting, was a really strong motivation for me to comply. more...
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April 16, 2005
I have dealt with the loss of my aunt, the disappointment and challenge of dealing with sometimes hostile family members who were upset over my auntÂ’s will (I was the executor), the betrayal of a trusted long time friend, and being told 2 hours before my auntÂ’s memorial service that I had lost my job. I guess this was the 3rd loss or 4th loss in my life this week, depending on how you look at it.
All this was in addition to dealing with a 5 year old, whose became unreckognizable and who's behavior regressed hourly thanks to the belliegerent and undisciplined children he was living with these past 5 days. All I could do to survive was stay focused on the next thing I had to do, while I began planning on how to get home as quickly as possible.
Dealing with a regressing 5 year old, mourning my aunt, reacting to belligerent family members, dealing with the loss of a friend, and a fun, well-paying job, would all have to wait until I was in a loving and comfortable environment. So instead, I focused on my breathing, kept uttering positive mantras that felt hollow, prayed for strength, envisioned all of you guys supporting me and stayed as numb as I possibly could given the circumstances.
Now that IÂ’m finally home, all I would love to do is curl up into a fetal position and begin unraveling the huge knot that had formed in my stomach Monday, and had slowly tensed all my muscles into cement which then formed of a big lump in my throat the rest of the week. Unfortunately, as a single-mom without support, I donÂ’t have that luxury. ThereÂ’s calls to be returned, groceries to be bought, food to be prepared, and an uncooperative 5 year old, who needs to be brought back to the disciplined cooperative child he was prior to this trip.
So tonight, when IÂ’m finally able to sit and watch the waning moon cross the sky, journal in hand, thereÂ’ll be time for tears, thoughts, and words borne of frustration, sadness, grief and anger, that will enable the process of healing to begin.
Thanks for your supportive comments, they've helped me enormously.
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April 14, 2005
I miss you.
Yes, I miss you,
more than words can ever say,
more than letters can convey,
in every single way
I just miss you!
My aunt passed-on early this morning. I believe she's gone to a much better place, full of love and peace. Harvey, thanks for the links to Billie's music. Her songs have been a wonderful companion to me during this time. I'll be returning home Sunday when I'll post again.
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April 12, 2005
The first call came Sunday night letting me know that a friend I had made while living in Asia, had past-on during the night. I was saddened to hear the news but knowing how much he was suffering from cancer thought heaven was a much better place for him to be than in his body. May he finally rest in peace
This morning I received word that my aunt has slipped into a coma after a year of battling lung cancer and a brain tumor. I was really saddened to hear this news because I had been thinking of and wanting to see her these last 2 months. ItÂ’s because of her that thereÂ’s music in my soul. She taught me a great deal about music and even introduced me to some great Jazz legendaries, like Charlie Parker, Billie Holiday and Thelonious Monk. I can almost hear BillieÂ’s Good Morning Heartache and Solitude in the background. They were two of her favorites. So as I pack up my portable player and Billie HolidayÂ’s CD, I hope that I get to see her in time to say Thank You and good bye.
To tell you the truth, IÂ’m really praying for the old saying to be true: no news is good news.
Blogging and life will resume when I return.
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April 11, 2005
It started off like any other Monday. Everything went almost according to schedule until I got home and opened the mailbox to find a letter from:
- the Internal Revenue Service
- my employer
- two of my attorney's - one of them working on my divorce - Sigh!
- mortgage company
- Empire Blue Cross
It turns out they all had issues with paperwork I had fax/mailed to them over a month ago documents which I was required to file. My reaction: NOW you write to me? As I made the obligatory phone calls to straighten everything out I was told in every instance to make piddly minor modifications and refile all the paperwork I submitted in the first place. Now mind you, I had just returned from waiting over an hour on line at the post office. OK deep breath.... I say to myself, I'll get everything done tomorrow. Let's stay positive.
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April 09, 2005
I tested the waters earlier today by fixing my son's pc. Tomorrow night I'll begin tackling my pc. In the previous post I wrote ALL about it, so if you're so inclined go and read all I'm doing during this coming week.
To keep you amused and entertained, IÂ’ve transfered my archives from my former site on blogspot, and have linked below my top 10 posts (based on hits and ranking) for your perusal. You be the judge and let me know if you agree with the rankings. By the way, if you take the Quiz, I'll be posting the answer keys to the questions on 4-16-05. Have fun reading!
10.From the Shores of the Tigris River
9. Letters from Baghdad
8. Moore dangerous than al-Zarqawi?
7. Deconstructing Kerry's Health Plan
6. Democracy and Rage
5. Terror & The Men In My Squad
4. To My Fallen Friends
3. Lost in Translation
2. J'accuse!
1. A Fun and Sexy Quiz
This post will stay at the top until I return to blogging F/T.
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Case in point, the last time I went in to a store to buy a sound card the sales associate was insisting (without even setting eyes on my pc) that the problem was a dead hard drive. He was aiming for me to get a new computer. So, having built my own computer and having taught Comp Sci 101, it really drives me over the edge of civility when these kids assume IÂ’m an idiot and will fall for their lies.
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