I awoke this morning to the wonderful scent of fall leaves. I left my bedroom window open overnight just enough to be awakend by the first rays of sunshine this morning and have my bedroom filled with the promise of a beautiful new day and the incredible scents of fall. My spirit has been heavy all week. It was a long, hard, intense work week where I visited 4 states in 3 days – leaving early each morning and returning home each night just in time to spend a bit of time with my son, reading him a bed time story and tucking him into bed.

At the same time, there was a major warfare going on inside my head between the demands of managing my role of advisor and conciliator and a past that's filled with violent painful memories that dogged my every quiet idle moment.
The internal warfare was so intense that yesterday morning while standing alone in a conference room preparing my presentation with my back to the door I hadnÂ’t noticed that someone quietly entered the room. When they placed their hand near the back of my neck, slightly gripping my neck, I reacted swiftly, instinctually and not of the present moment. When I finally realized what had happened I had him in an arm lock with his face and chest pinned over the conference room table. It was not a pretty sight.

It seemed that in my reaction I had made enough noise to draw the attention of 2 secretaries and the security guard. I apologized to everyone explaining that I had been attacked at a work site before and since there was no one around when he put his hand on my neck I thought he was an intruder. They remained silent and kept an eye on me as they helped me pick up papers and chairs and straighten out the room. One thingÂ’s for sure, that guy will never ever touch a woman he barely knows in such a familiar way again. At least heÂ’ll never put his hands on me again. Apparently, I hurt his knee in the process because when the meeting was over I saw him limping out of the conference room. This situation also reminded me never to sit or stand with my back to a door, especially in the headspace IÂ’m in.

The only thing that helps when IÂ’m in this head space is being around nature. So IÂ’ll be leaving shortly with my son to go 90 miles north, to a headless horsemanÂ’s house, where the leaves on the trees are beginning to change their colors. Maybe if weÂ’re lucky we can find some crisp delicious apples to make a fresh baked apple pie tonight. Just that thought makes feel a bit human again.

Posted by: Michele at 09:24 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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"Cry" ~ a song by James Blunt

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

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Up from the evil day
Of wattle and of woad,
Along man's weary way
Dark Pain has been the goad.
Back from the age of stone,
Within his brutish brain,
What pleasure he has known
Is ease from Pain.

Behold in Pain the force
That haled Man from the Pit,
And set him such a course
No mind can measure it.
To angel from the ape
No human pang was vain
In that divine escape
To joy through Pain.

See Pain with stoic eyes
And patient fortitude,
A blessing in disguise,
An instrument of good.
Aye, though with hearts forlorn
We to despair be fain,
Believe that Joy is born
From Womb of Pain.


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I hear from news reports that you became very upset with Chris Wallace during an interview when he asked you if you had done all you could on the war on terror.

What Chris seems to have missed and which I remember is that Sunday was the 10th Anniversary of the Khobar Bombing. You remember that one don't you? It was one of many that occurred under your term.

I know you must have been extremely upset with Chris, especially after "The Path of 9/11 pointed out how Sandy Berger, Madeleine Albright and you didnÂ’t go to every length to find the perpetrators of ALL the terrorist attacks during your 8 years in office. And then to read Louis FreehÂ’s article, on the Anniversary of the Khobar Towers bombing, your own appointed investigator of that bombing, piercing the veil of your deceitful revisionist history must have just been too much for you.

Well, Mr. Clinton, your disgraceful execution of office will forever be judged not by the spin you try to portray but on what you did in response to the continual attacks on American citizens and interests abroad. Yes, history will judge you, but it will do so solely on the actions you and those in your administration took or did not take, not on whether Chris Wallace is a conservative and you an immoral liberal. Having lived through this history, I will help others know the truth and remember long and hard every single failed foreign policy and action that brought about the death of my loved ones. But like many of your predecessors, history will judge you with a magnifying glass and a keen eye. For you will be judged, not just by the lack of character and judgment you exhibited during your lifetime, but by the miniscule successes and the massive failures of ALL your actions and inactions in office.

And then sir, you will realize that no amount of lies, deceitful charm will protect you from the American People discovering the truth.

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Sorry, I'm having an adverse reaction to this day. If you don't want to hear cynicism wrapped in truth in reaction to the "Family Day" campaign, then I suggest you move along.

First of all, if you need societal pressure and a friekin' day during the entire year to remind you to spend time with your family, then this entire day is wasted on you. I'm Really Sorry Tammi, but this post is aimed at those that actually need tips and conversation starters and a pledge before sitting down to dinner with their family. If you want to know how a family dinner is supposed to be, then go read Tammi's post. Afterwards, come back and continue reading.

If you need reminders that it's important for your family to sit down at the dinner table together, then you might as well give up now and decide to live with chimps because they can definitely show you what family bonding is about and you might fair better than having a tv station trying to instill values in you.

I for one don't need Hallmark or a TV station to tell me to have dinner with my son or to declare for me its a "Family day". Nope, in fact I'm rather insulted. I took my obligation as a parent so seriously when I became pregnant that I left a job that I absolutely loved so that I could provide for all of my son's needs: physical, emotional and spiritual. Since then, all my choices, both professional and social, have been about not what's best for me, but what's best for my son and I as a family. Sacrifices, like challenges and successes are all shared.

Everyone who comes through our door to stay for any length of time gets enfolded into our small family circle. As a result, they're made a part of our weekly family meetings and outings. The same rules and adherence to values apply for everyone who enters our home. These values and rules are visibly posted for all to see. They are our life guidelines and rules for family cohesion. Before anyone comes to visit I email them our life guidelines and let them know that if they stay with us they will be expected to abide by them. The same discipline rules that apply to my son apply to me, and anyone visiting (no matter the age). I was forced one day to ask my sister to leave my house and not return until her thinking, mouth, hands and attitude were in spiritual agreement with those guidelines. She has never returned, instead she chooses to be a disruptive, destructive and negative influence everywhere she goes.

I am a caring, patient and loving individual, but there are some basic courtesies that in my book ALWAYS NEED TO BE OBSERVED: It begins and ends with respect and tolerance of others.

That being said, lets say there is a family who will actually listen to those tv execs and instead of flippinÂ’ the channel to look at something else will actually have dinner together for the first time. What is the likelihood that theyÂ’ll do it later on in the week or perhaps the following week. Wanna Guess? IÂ’ll spare your neurons and tell you. The sad reality is that statistically if youÂ’re not doing it now, you wonÂ’t. ThatÂ’s right, and no amount of feel good commercials or TV campaigns will make a difference.

So, when your kid is hauled off to jail, or your son is found strung out with a needle in his arm, or humiliating and compromising pictures of your daughter are found on the internet for all to see, donÂ’t look to the courts, the state, the schools, your family or spouse to blame or seek help from, because at that point, itÂ’ll be too damn late! The time you should have tried to spend and guide them is from the beginning. The time you should have made so they donÂ’t wind up in jail or feeling worthless is when theyÂ’re 3 and beginning to develop an understanding between right and wrong and the consequences of their actions. If you think that a little dinner once or twice a year is going to make up for the weeks and months of neglect, or the need for mentors like me, then I suggest you should take a good look at your kids now because youÂ’ve already failed themÂ… big time.

So with that awareness, if you choose to turn off the tv, I suggest you consider, after the dinner and perhaps a board game, if you enjoyed each otherÂ’s company you make a concrete plan on a family plan of how youÂ’re going to do family time consistently a couple of times a week and discuss what core values your family is going to live by. Because being hopeful or occasionally loving, a board game and a few dinners will never be enough to keep a family together.

Posted by: Michele at 01:52 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Ouch. That said, my 26 year old cousin just moved in. As such, she has been a part of our daily activities unless she has other plans. That includes dinner. She is actually flabbergasted. Her folks never eat together and being related, I know they didn't when they were kids. Of course, her dad never held them or watched them play ball or . . . She thinks it is "so nice" that we try and do things with our young son - like eat a meal together. Her upbringing is why she is profoundly incapable of anything but self-loathing and low self esteem, whereas my three year old finds joy in everything. My hope for a day like today is that some child will say - "hey! I like this idea and mom, dad, we should do this more often." you never know, it could happen. Your son is so very lucky to have you. Happy Family Day anyway! You guys celebrate it as it should be celebrated - just like every other day!

Posted by: oddybobo at September 25, 2006 02:24 PM (mZfwW)

2 There is not a decision I make - including keeping up my own blog for the sake of my sanity - that I do not make without my family in mind. At the end of the day I ask myself if I have done enough that day. Most days it's all too easy to find something I could have done better. If you choose to have a family, you had better be prepared to do the work to be a family. Because there's a hell of a lot more to being a family than just having children.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at September 25, 2006 09:28 PM (DdRjH)

3 I almost forgot to blog on it until I went to Tammi's and thought "OH yeah!" It's just what I do... family. There is nothing special I have to do because we're all about family EVERY DAY. Every decision I make is based on my family. I started my blog because of my family. Everything. And I can't understand people who do not put their families first.

Posted by: Bou at September 25, 2006 10:12 PM (iHxT3)

4 Funny. I wasn't going to post a 'family day' post because every day is family day at my house. Including the usual fight at "why do we have to stop playing and eat together" at dinner time. Then I took it more as a 'everyone has something to share' kind of idea and put something out. Yaa.. I quit a job I loved and stayed home. Yaa. I b.tch about staying home some days, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm the lucky one.

Posted by: vw bug at September 26, 2006 09:34 AM (h89Bu)

5 Amen! And when we're at dinner, everyone has to say one 'good thing' that happened to them that day. It can even be 'I'm glad we didn't have spinach tonight'. But we sometimes get the giggles over sharing the 'good thing'. Makes for some wonderful 'family' time.

Posted by: Mrs_Who at September 26, 2006 08:52 PM (NfSVQ)

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Chavez insults for the past 2 days have united members on both sides of the aisle in defending President Bush. Some of the highest ranking Democrats have been quoted as saying:

Charles Rangel: "You don't come into my country, you don't come into my congressional district, and you don't condemn my President."

Senator Charles Schumer: Chavez was "despicable and disgusting"

Former President Clinton: "Obviously, I think he made a mistake."

Reverend Jesse Jackson: [Who was attended the Harlem event] "I urged [Chavez] to stop [his Bush attacks] for his own good."

The NY press has also weighed in on the fray. Today's New York Daily News Front Page headline read "El Loco" and in their page 1 lead told Chavez to ''ZIP IT!'' The New York Post called him a ''JERK!'' and the ''Caracas Crackpot.'' Of
course, the NY Times has simply referred to Chavez as outspoken, minimizing the lengthy barage of insults Chavez has lobbed at our President.

On the other side of the aisle we have:

Governor Pataki: "The best thing he can do is go back to Venezuela and try to provide freedom for his people instead of what he's done here in New York."

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Vulnerabilities in Vector Markup Language and Microsoft DirectAnimation Path ActiveX Control in Internet Explorer allows remote code execution by hackers.

Recommended Action
Microsoft encourages users to exercise caution when they open e-mail and links in e-mail even from trusted sources.

You can guard against these exploits by turning off JavaScript and ActiveX in Internet Explorer or using an alternative browser. Ensuring virus definitions are up to date also helps to secure the family PC from the attacks.

Threat Overview
Two new computer malware attacks exploit vulnerable code in Microsoft Internet Explorer and attempt to install spyware to hijack systems. When a user opens an exploited webpage, it may corrupt system memory in such a way to enable an attacker to execute arbitrary code and infiltrate the affected system.

In the News
The vulnerabilities have been acknowledged by Microsoft and have also been publicly disclosed. News articles describing the threat can be found at:

CNET - Web sites exploit visitors IE hole
Microsoft Security Advisory (925444)
Microsoft Security Advisory (92556
Tech World - Explorer hit by new attack

MS Users are encouraged to keep their anti-virus software up to date. Customers can also visit Windows Live OneCare Safety Center and are encouraged to use the Complete Scan option to check for and remove malicious software that take advantage of this vulnerability.


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: A Quote:

Every man should be content to mind his own business.
~ Aesop (620 BC-560 BC)

Posted by: Michele at 12:25 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Damn that Aesop is a smart one

Posted by: Sgt Hook at September 23, 2006 01:03 AM (TH6bc)

2 cool.

Posted by: Jose at September 23, 2006 01:51 AM (aT6hY)

3 Computer help from a techie: Quickest way to check if there is a virus or spyware or some other security-breaching malware on your computer: 1. Click on the Start Menu. If you don't have a start menu, you are fine. 2. When the Start Menu comes up, look along the left side. If there are characters there that spell out the word "Windows" (some include 2000, some XP, some ME in a messed up font), then your system has been compromised or is just about to be compromised. 3. Decide if you are going to spend at least 24% of your time in front of your computer running updates, fixing things, tweaking things, looking for extra files, trying to understand why that error message keeps popping up even though it doesn't seem to do anything, or if your time actually has a value to it and you want your computer to get the F- out of your way so you can get some work done on it. I work with these things every day. I understand. This latest exploit is not exactly the first time IE had a problem that, just by navigating to a web page, your system was compromised. A new exploit is found every month or so.

Posted by: RSM at September 23, 2006 06:36 AM (FbUOu)

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For some time now I've been wanting to express how hypocritical and ludicrous this whole issue of the Pope's remarks. As a writer, I usually can't rest easy until I feel I've captured and expressed the essence of my thoughts and feelings about something that bothers me. When I can't express them cohesively I do other things like take quizes and post their results in the hope that by doing right brain stuff it'll free up my subconcious. In that way, my left brain can then come up with what I'm trying to say.

Well, I've stopped torturing myself (and you) with idle blog fodder because I found a new blogger who's expressed my views more eloquently than I ever could. Go on and read him, and also say hello to our new neighbor in the blogosphere.

I already have high hopes for Y.O.Y as he's eluded the curse of the sucky first post by making his short and sweet. Welcome YOY I look forward to reading your POV on life's observances and annecdotes on all the funny things that happen to you.

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1 Thanks for the kind words. I'm like you, when things bother me, they roll around in my mind. I think the blogging experience is going to be a great outlet for me!

Posted by: Y|O|Y at September 22, 2006 08:06 AM (Nd4UH)

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To answer a question I received last week, part of my job duties is to read lots of news alerts, newsletters, briefings, etc. from think tanks, private institutions, government and news agencies, and the like. The list of my subscriptions is endless, so I'm sure you can imagine the mountain of paper on my desk. I get to try and tame the paper lion that crosses it daily. To improve my life & save some trees, I have been subscribing to RSS feeds whenever possible. Not only is it easier to search for specific facts but its easier to store and file. If you use the Firefox browser (which I love and live by) you can simplify the subscription process to RSS feeds. While at the site, you can automatically subscribe by clickin on the yellow RSS feed button found on the bottom right hand corner of your browser screen. That's all you have to do!

While visiting Rocket Jones this week I discovered I now have even more options. I can get my daily briefings via podcasts. I don't think I'm ready for the government to whisper into my ears just yet. But for those of you who commute by car, and can plug in your MP3players into your car's speaker system (yes, it's easily done with 1 piece of eqpt.), you can now listen to State Dept. briefings & other info via pod or webcasts.

See, our tax money is actually going to good use and bringing our gov't up to technological speed (rolling of the eyes averted from view). Not to mention, it can actually make for some funny blog posts.

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My pirate name is:

Black Ethel Bonney

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be unhappy at times. You can also be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits your fun-loving spirit pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

[Hat tip: VW of One Happy Dog Speaks

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Today is the opening session of the UN's General Assembly. Yesterday I forgot about how many heads of state come in early for this shindig and I ran into several of them.

Okay guys, get ready to play, let's see if you know any of these peoples names without googling:

- The King of Jordan
- First female African President
- First female head of state of an EU country
And for major bonus points: which nutcracker will get to address the General Assembly tomorrow shortly after Bush. I'll give you a hint: he's repeatedly called for the obliteration of Israel & the anhilation of the Jewish race and their western supporters.

Answers will be in the comments towards the end of the day. I wanted to play this game of Spotting Politicos w/Eric last year when he came to visit but worked for the witch from hell and was having a bad week so I forgot.

Posted by: Michele at 12:00 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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To [blog] or not to [blog]: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them?
~ based on Shakespeare's Hamlet: Act 3:Scene 1

That's what's been on my mind. Whether or not to succumb to the forces that successfully silenced my blogging temporarily through a very skillfull cyber attack that brought down my entire network (& fried 2 of my pc's), OR to take up cyber arms against these cowardly bastards in a never ending cycle of technical one upmanship.

So as I contemplate my cyberfate, I lie here in my bed exhausted from the efforts of unsuccessfully countering the attack, fighting a flu-like cold and recovering from a chemo treatment that has kicked my a$$ this week. At the core of the matter is: can I live without blogging? Can I just walk away from it all and hang up my keyboard without looking back for the sake of my well being. Or can I simply exist in the gag zone of cyberspace without expressing factual yet consevative views & stirring up controversy. I wonder how Matt of Black5 & others deal with this crap.. The threats I ignore cause I've gone to great lengths to protect my anonymity, but cyber attacks are something else. This is my 2nd since I started blogging almost 3yrs ago. This is the first time that my pc's have been fried. Then there was the munu outage this weekend and I wonder if that was also a threat fulfilled.

So I ask myself, do I go ahead and get my pc's replaced & comeback to do battle against the slinging arrows, and by doing so, simultaneously bring down the wrath of moonbats & islamo-fascists on all of us?

Truthfully, most of me is willing to do battle, but not at the expense of others and my health.

One thing's for sure, with everything that's going on in my life I can't continue to replace hard drives & motherboards & expend the time & energy necessary to rebuild these pc's. more...

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Because I like to share the laughter I'm sharing this true item with you. This little gem came to my inbox this morning in one of my State Dept. briefings. I think its an unbelievably funny story you'll love.

US President George Bush will host White House talks with Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev when he visits the US next month. On the agenda is British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen.

It seems that Cohen, 35, creator of Ali G, has infuriated the Kazakhstan government with his portrayal of Borat, a bumbling Kazakh TV presenter. Cohen scheduled movie release of BoratÂ’s adventures in November has caused a major diplomatic incident.

President Nazarbayev has confirmed his government will buy "educational" TV spots and print advertisements about the "real Kazakhstan" in a bid to save his countryÂ’s reputation before the film is released in the US in November. President Nazarbayev will visit the White House and the Bush family compound in Maine when he flies in for talks that will include the fictional character Borat.

To understand what the hoopla is all about (and to get a few chuckles in the process) please view the trailers for the movie (see worksafe trailer 1 below and trailer 2).

Let me know what you think about the trailers. Should Bush waste his time on this or not?

Yes, I'm feeling better thanks to the support I've received and the humorous items I get in the mail. Enjoy!

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WeÂ’ve become so familiar with our regular exchange of letters that IÂ’ll dispense with some basic courtesies in order to make an overpowering confession. There are times when I read your letters that a strong envy begins to rise from within and takes hold of me for hours. When it finally does subside, it leaves a strong disatisfied taste with my life that lingers on for days.

In reading your exploits IÂ’ve often thought you lead the life I wish I had. It's a familiar feeling and one I've not had for a very long time. When I was young I often got in trouble for my dangerous exploits and tomboy ways. In truth, I was craving the enormous freedom and swaggering independence of all the boys I knew. This past week my envy surfaced intensely. It left me searching for an explanation as to why, of all my correspondents, I have such a reaction to you. What makes matters worse is that in spite of my reaction I'm very drawn to your letters. I return time and again to re-live those moments which may be insignificant to you, but bring me so much closer to where I wish I could be. In doing so I feel the little green monster grow within me without warning.

After much reflection, I've realized tonight that its not so much your life that I envy, but rather you. In other words, I wish more that I were a man like you living your life, than a woman like me living mine. As a woman's life goes I really do enjoy mine, but when comparing mine to yours, my life pales in comparison. When it began happening I asked myself if it might be a matter of “your grass being greener”.

Simply put, my life would be radically different if I were you, than most of the men I know. For one thing, I believe I wouldnÂ’t be enduring as much emotional pain as I have these past few days. My blog brother Eric, spoke of the feeling of helplessness one of my posts conveyed last week. In reading that I realized he put his finger on my woundÂ… and it was a deep one, based on the level of pain I felt. I've been wanting to do something to strike back at those that harmed my loved ones in 2001 and caused fear to enter the hearts of my co-workers in 1993.

One thingÂ’s for sure, if I were a man I definitely wouldÂ’ve had the opportunity of making different choices. I definitely would have taken more risks and liberties than would be considered (by my standards) good for a woman. I'd probably be more like your brothers in arms stationed at the front, protecting our country and exacting justice for what was done to my beloved friends and city. There are times I so desperately want to be there.

But the truth is painfully obvious, I can never be there, I will never be you. So instead, I live vicariously through you... through your stories, your shared anecdotes, and your unexpressed heartfelt thoughts that linger silently between the lines and which often leap silently and eloquently off your page.

I wish I could go on those hikes with you and your men. I wish I could be a man like you, who rights the wrongs with much conviction and without hesitation. But IÂ’m not. I am a woman. A woman constrained by the expectations and mores of society, who's restrained by height and muscle mass and trapped by my gender.

So instead of being there with you and your men, I will be here, waiting. Waiting and enduring nasty emails from women too weak of character to write openly and from men using their manhood to intimidate covertly. And while I wait, IÂ’ll continue to wish and hope. Hope that through your strength and courage IÂ’ll somehow regain my own strength that was lost with the death of the incredible men in my life.

I'll simply wait... it's something that as a woman I was trained to do well. Being disempowered for now all I can do is wait. So I wait, for jealousy to rise once again, and with I take a step toward a deeper and braver existence.

Thank you for sharing your journey with me and in so doing taking me on such wonderful adventures.
m/

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We go through life hoping that as we live, it not only holds meaning for us, but that it has an impact on the lives of those around us. This post is in celebration of one such amazing life that accomplished much, very successfully, during his short time here on earth.

Larry: This song is dedicated to you.

LarryÂ’s love and enthusiasm for his life, was only exceeded by his love for family and close friends. This was followed closely by his love for his city and his country. To know Larry was to like him. To like him and be lucky enough to spend time with him was to have the wonderful opportunity to get to love him. I was one of those lucky and blessed enough to have had him in my life for a number of years. I always thought of him as an angel who walked the earth.
more...

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The Heroes of 9/11 never hesitated for a moment on the morning of 9/11. Ignoring personal safety they sprung into action and saved thousands. This song is dedicated to my friends, Mike and Larry, and to the thousands of public servants who risked their lives and the 347 fire fighters who lost their lives that morning.

Into the Fire by Bruce Springsteen

The sky was falling and streaked with blood
I heard you calling me then you disappeared into the dust
Up the stairs, into the fire
Up the stairs, into the fire
I need your kiss, but love and duty called you someplace higher
Somewhere up the stairs into the fire

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love bring us love

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love

You gave your love to see the fields of red and autumn brown
You gave your love to me and lay your young body down
Up the stairs, into the fire
Up the stairs, into the fire
I need you near but love and duty called you someplace higher
Somewhere upstairs into the fire

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love
more...

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I want to thank you all for the kind and supportive messages you left and emailed. Your words are a healing balm for my soul.

more...

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Five years ago I participated in my first 10k race on Labor Day. It was also my first major practice with Tom, the running buddy assigned to me by The Achilles Track Team, whom I was to spot for. Tom was blind, and like me loved running, even though we weren't very fast. He had trained me on how to run tethered to him and also taught me how to listen to his breathing as a way to know how he was doing in a run without asking and wasting precious energy and time. Tom explained it was the best way to identify the first signs of trouble. That Labor Day, all my friends were there to cheer me on. It had been a high point for all of us, because we were all finally ready to compete in the NYC Marathon that fall.

I used that listening technique many times when running with my best friends. It really gave me insight into how they were feeling during a run. For years we had worked out together, but our running together gave us a closeness and a feel for each other that was uncanny. For the first time few words needed to be exchanged between us.

The morning after Labor Day we were all supposed to meet early at the gym to do a quick 5 mile run along the Batter Park City Waterfront that goes past the World Trade Center, but my plans changed.

When Mike called me later that morning he was on the 72nd floor of the North Tower. I had been on the phone with him for about 15 min. let him know what was going on with the South Tower when Larry called and asked me to conference him in on the call. We'd done that a thousand times on Fridays or Saturday afternoons when no one could agree on what we were doing that evening. This time it was for a different reason.

The FDNY radios were not functioning properly and it was total chaos inside the towers, so this time I was conferencing them in so they could communicate with each other. I listened silently and stood by as I'd done countless times during impromptu rescues. That day my role was once again as witness and bystander, but I was to be a messenger also. I interrupted only once to let them know the Pentagon had been hit and we all grew silent as their suspicions were now confirmed - we were under attack. Knowing they had walked into a "tinder box" they gave me messages and information for their families in the event they didn't make it out alive.

While Mike and Larry spoke, I heard their labored breathing from the strain of heavy equipment and acrid smoke getting through their masks. They continued going up the narrow smoke filled staircases in full gear, in spite of the rising temperatures and enveloping darkness. Hearing the loud creaks from the straining weight of the floors above, I began to panic. I broke in, calling out Mike's name. We'd known each other for so long that he knew what I was about to say, to ask of him.

"Don't say it, Michele. I know what you're going to ask, and you know we can't turn back now. So I clutched my cell phone, closed my eyes, and hung my head in prayer. A few times I bit down hard on my lips knowing that anything I said or any sound I made would only distract them and force them to talk and waste precious oxygen.

So instead, I listened... silently and intently, as Larry & MIke communicated with each other in quick short words. I listened as they gave commands to civilians on what to do. I listened as they reassured people that were frightened and choking on acrid smoke, that they would be fine as long they continued going down. I listened as they continued to climb through the thick dense darkness that enveloped them, and grew hotter and more difficult with each step they took. And in my silence, with my closed eyes, I had been with them as I had many times before, and was privy once again to the sounds of their breaths.

As the creaking sounds grew louder, everyone came to a standstill and their voices became quieter. I held my breath, as I listened to Mike and Larry's labored breathing. Everyone had stopped to listen to the sounds above them. Mike and Larry remained quiet even as the rumble of thunder from the upper floors began giving way. There was no panic, no screams, no frantic yells for help; there was only Mike's voice whispering a "Dear God" before the sounds of loud crashing ended in an abysmal silence that reverberates in my soul to this day.

It's taken a long time for me to break that silence. It's still not easy to write about it. And I still can't about it. But for some time now, this blog has helped me utter the first innermost sounds since that day. I remain hopeful that someday I'll be able to find my full voice again. Till that happens, these small whispers of pain will have to be the small breaths that open a closed soul to let the airy light in.

Posted by: Michele at 12:29 PM | Comments (34) | Add Comment
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This is part of the 360degree view I had tonight while sighseeing atop the new observation deck at Rockefeller Center. Great views and virtually no waiting to go upstairs. Because it was an impromptu visit I only had my cell phone camera with me and not my digital camera, so this is the best pic I could get. Still, not bad if you ask me.

Posted by: Michele at 11:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I'll be playing host and tour guide to my house guests (ex-inlaws) who are just begining their 6th week with me. They'll be leaving middle of week 7.

Now that they are intimitely acquainted with Manhattan I am venturing to the outer boroughs. Tomorrow is Brooklyn day and I wil be doing some live picture blogging and use once again the new hi-res digital camera they gave us for my son's bday (see pretty picture below).

We are going to start at Coney Island Amusement Park which features Astroland (name the Woody Allen movie made there), visit Natasha the beluga whale in her tank at the NY Aquarium. Afterwards we'll hop on a train and head on over to the brooklyn Promenade (where I will try to forget the Spielberg scene filmed there) enjoy the view for awhile while snacking on some brooklyn delicacies, and later try to finally find the entrance to the magnificient structure in the pic below, with the aim to cross that baby on foot over to Manhattan. That's just Friday. I've got fun plans for them (which they've okay'd) for the remaining days too in the Borough of Queens, etc. Monday is my beach day... YAY!

Tuesday, well, that's summer's death knell around here, as that's when the harbingers' of gloom set in on my son in the form of 2.5 hrs of homework a day. I pray they start him off slow, like maybe give him an hour's worth to ease him into it. Hopefully the weekend fun will still be fresh in his mind so he'll have something to hold onto.

Whatever anyone else is doing, I hope they enjoy themselves thoroughly... rain and all. I know I will! But please do share as I'm curious what you all are up to.

Posted by: Michele at 01:06 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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