"Have you swept the visioned valley with the green stream streaking through it,
Searched the Vastness for a something you have lost?
Have you strung your soul to silence? Then for God's sake go and do it;
Hear the challenge, learn the lesson, pay the cost.
-- Robert Service - The Call of the Wild

Strange ruminations are going through my head. But they are all I have in this darkness for company. So what is my lesson Robert? Have I not learned it yet or well enough? Is there more to come my way?

I'm very tired tonight. Tired and upset at coming to terms yet again that IÂ’m far and wide from the vision I had of where I thought IÂ’d be while I was growing up. Or is my dissatisfaction with life and self simply a convenient way to turn the focus off of the circumstances that surround me and which I can't control.

What I do know, is that it was a very long and challenging day riddled with occassional missteps and mistakes. It began at 7:30am with a Pediatric CPR refresher course in which I just couldnÂ’t get things right. Had a life depended on me this morning they surely would have died. Yes, this was a vastly different result from the life I saved last month. Go figure.

At some point in the afternoon I received a call from my boss, who pointed out the one little thing I failed to follow through on. Of course he did this while forgetting my current living circumstances and the fact that I alone did all the prep work and analysis for his meeting with the Governor, which made our firm shine. Instead he took that tone on my voice mail, the tone that told me that one F@#$ing thing was more important than all the analysis and positioning work I did this past month in advance of his trip.

My lovely afternoon culminated on the eve of day 8 without power, in a futile 6 mile search on foot for a store that might have carried anything that I could possibly buy to feed my son for breakfast and wouldnÂ’t spoil in the warm temps overnight. My blistered feet only added to the constant reminder of my failure.

As I picked up my son from summer camp, I came across the Power Co. Reps and the American Red Cross setting up their tables by the subway train entrance we had to use. As we passed by their tables my son broke away from me and ran up to the front of the line that was forming to politely ask for something cold to drink. As he felt the coldness of the water bottle in his hand, he lifted it up and looking to the heavens exclaimed: “Thank God… finally a ice cold drink!” While everybody smiled or laughed my little heart sank.

In that moment, I felt the heavy weight and successive accumulation of the entire dayÂ’s failures. As tough as things got for me when I was barely 17 and living on my own; as difficult as things can get for a single parent without support, as challenging as a professional job can be, I have never, ever, felt like a failure or disappointed in myself. A huge lump knotted in my throat for a good long while.

I know these feelings will pass, I know they are temporary and linked to this never-ending pervasive darkness that I find myself in, but damn if it isnÂ’t wearing on a personÂ’s soul. IÂ’ll take dealing with mice, snakes, zombies and spiders all day long rather than dealing with one more day in which I cannot: clean the dishes, do my laundry, take a hot shower and be able to rinse my hair, or make a really nice salad W/lots of FRESH VEGETABLES!

ItÂ’s not like I have never lived without power before. I did many, many years ago, as a relief worker in Mexico after a huge earthquake that killed thousands. I lived in dusty tent with no power and primitive facilities for almost 3 months without even a thought to what I was enduring. It takes the extreme awareness of a loved one dealing with deprivation which I canÂ’t fulfill, to finally bring down my spirit.

I think a good long hot bath and a good nightÂ’s sleep will help me get a new perspective and start fresh again tomorrow.

Maybe if I end with a picture of tonight's sunset, that might help start my night anew too.

Update: I just got a a wonderful email with a picture from my favorite group of guys, Babylon Renegades if you will, who made me laugh heartily, cry intenselly and smile endlessly all in one letter. Yes Sgt, you are a handsome group of "Mothers"! And you're right, I am grateful not to be dealing with desert spiders!

I will share the picture with you once I get permission from these great and brave men! Somehow they always manage to give me what I need ; )

Permission having been granted, I share with you my favorite men in the whole world. They are an awesome group of guys who always seem to have the right timing! This picture is one I had asked for long ago. It includes one of my faithful correspondents who is no longer with us. Lt., I got to know you through your letters and learned to highly regard and admire you through the words of your men, especially young Crpl Eddie, who admired you so much. Know that you will be remembered and will always remain in my heart!

Posted by: Michele at 01:48 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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