Yesterday was an inexplicably bad day. It was actually the worst day I've had since 9/11. I still havenÂ’t been able to figure out what actually happened but near as my counselor and I can figure out I seem to have had a full blown auditory/sensory flashback to the morning of 9/11.

Since last night I've been wondering how it is that soldiers deal with this?
IÂ’m better today, but not quite my normal self yet. I still feel off balance, like IÂ’ve gone through a hellish ordeal and now IÂ’m back in familiar surroundings. I feel very vulnerable and fragile. It's all very surreal. According to my trauma counselor it will probably be a little while before IÂ’m back to myself again, so he recommends trying not to get into high stress situations. So as I hung up the phone after talking with him, I thoughtÂ… I'm a single parent of a young child that lives in NYC with no family nearby, how on earth do I NOT get into high stress situations?

Anyway, he and I will be meeting tomorrow for a more lengthy f2f meeting. He also gave me his cell # so if the same thing begins to happen I can call and talk to him. ItÂ’s comforting to know I have someone to talk to about this. IÂ’m even more grateful that my firm continues to retain these people to help employees deal with post traumatic stress stuff.

Having dealt with it early on, immediately after it happened, I thought I would be okay in the long run because I was dealing with it in the present rather than supressing it like most of my colleagues. I'm now beginning to see that it's just as someone wrote to me this morning, “it was likely time to deal with a little bit more of the trauma that [I] hadn't been able to deal with just yet. The healing process is a long one as you know.”

Well, truthfully, I didn't know. After almost 5 years I thought I had worked through most of it and I'd be okay. IÂ’m beginning to realize now that although it was a good thing that I worked through most of it in the months after 9/11, there will always be fragments of things IÂ’ll have to deal with.

Posted by: Michele at 01:22 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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